(from "I Kissed Dating Goodbye")

Do you know you have asked for the costliest thing
Ever made by the Hand above?
A woman's heart, and a woman's life -
And a woman's wonderful love.

Do you know you have asked for this priceless thing
As a child might ask for a toy?
Demanding what other have died to win,
With the reckless dash of a boy.

You have written my lesson of duty out,
Manlike, you have questioned me.
Now stand at the bars of my woman's soul
Until I shall question thee.
You require your mutton shall always be hot,
Your socks and your shirt be whole;
I require your heart be true as God's stars
And as pure as His heaven your soul.

You require a cook for your mutton and beef,
I require a far greater thing;
A seamstress you're wanting for socks and shirts -
I look for a man and king.

A king for the beautiful realm called Home,
And a man that his Maker, God,
Shall look upon as He did on his first
And say, "It is very good."

I am fair and young, but the rose may fade
From this soft young cheek one day;
Will you love me then 'mid the falling leaves,
As you did 'mong the blossoms of May?

Is your heart an ocean so strong and true,
I may launch my all on its tide?
A loving woman finds heaven or hell
On the day she is made a bride.

I require all things that are grand and true,
All things that a man should be;
If you give this all, I would stake my life
To be all you demand of me.

If you cannot be this, a laundress and cook
You can hire and little to pay;
But a woman's heart and a woman's life
Are not to be won that way.

"To girls: I pray this poem serves as a reminder to keep your standards high. Require all things that are 'grand and true'. As you consider the possiblity of marraige, don't lower your standards for a moment; any guy who asks you to do so isn't worth your time. To guys: My hope is that you would truly grasp the costliness, the pricelessness, of a woman's love. It is no small thing, no game, to invite a girl to accompany you trhough life. May you earn the right to make such a request by striving to be men of integrity - men whose hearts are oceans 'strong and true'. Then, and only then, should you stand at the bars of a woman's soul and ask to gain entrance."

you lied to me, but you did that to adhere from telling me the absolute truth that could cause such a comomtion. and i'm so glad you hindered from declaring to me that of which i would have wanted to here, but not at this moment. perhaps when we're really certain of our feelings and commitment and priorities, you can tell me na. why can you not tell me now??? it's confusing me too you know. i think it will be best if you don't tell me on camp. oh wait, before anything else, i know that he knows that i know about some things he told some people. so, basically, we're seemingly looking inconspicuous to each other when we're truly not. hayy.

do we really have to hide it? do we really have to make our feelings clandestine from each other? i guess we do. we have to. although i know we both want to, we can't eh. as sad as things can get, i'm hopeful. i'm somewhat really positive about what could  happen in the future...but though somehow scared. i'm scared because you said you were scared too. you said, "what if she finds someone better there?" but what if i don't anymore? will you move on for something that would never really come? would you really get tired of waiting? i have a feeling that it's possible to happen... *sigh*

but i don't want it to! please.. don't.

i'm still feeling fuzzy for the things you said that you thought i never heard. that dream of yours, the things you say concerning me and the weird stuff i dare not speak of when i'm with you.. the odd thing is, i talk about it to other people. rusmfusm!

somehow... i start to think that letting go and just holding back for now is a nice option. it's an option. but everytime i begin talking about just distancing myself...i stop. it gets caught in my throat and i can't go on... i just don't want to. i know i can, but i won't. i'm still praying about it... because we're not doing anything wrong! being best friends is just what we are...we care for each other, but deep inside, we have hidden emotions. hidden. so what's wrong with that? nothing.

right?

we seem so close, and yet i can't open up thoughts concerning "us". why do i even bother? i shouldn't be fussing over things such as that. it will come in its own time. i don't blame you nor i for caring too much for each other. i just pray that things will go, not according to my plan, but to God's. i entrust to Him everything... honestly, things are just beginning to look...weird. weird in a way that it;s getting cheesy. you know what i mean. i don't wanna reveal it yet, i want God to give the go signal first.. i don't want to stray away from His will, i want to focus on Him first and not on the other "him." it just seems so unlikely right now. not now. not when i'm being so fired up for the Lord. so passionate for Him. damn the devil! :p

i just have to keep under wraps the circumstances commencing as of the moment. i have to make it clear to you and to everybody that we're really just best friends who care a lot.. somehow.. :)

  by HILLSONG

ALL FOR LOVE THE FATHER GAVE
FOR ONLY LOVE COULD MAKE A WAY
ALL FOR LOVE THE HEAVENS CRIED
FOR LOVE WAS CRUCIFIED

OH HOW MANY TIMES
HAVE I BROKEN YOUR HEART
BUT STILL YOU FORGIVE
IF ONLY I ASK

AND HOW MANY TIMES
HAVE YOU HEARD ME PRAY
DRAW ME NEAR TO YOU

EVERYTHING I NEED IS YOU
MY BEGINNING, MY FOREVER
EVERYTHING I NEED IS YOU

LET ME SING ALL FOR LOVE
I WILL JOIN THE ANGELS SONG
EVER HOLY IS THE LORD
KING OF GLORY, KING OF ALL

OH HOW MANY TIMES
HAVE I BROKEN YOUR HEART
BUT STILL YOU FORGIVE
IF ONLY I ASK

AND HOW MANY TIMES
HAVE YOU HEARD ME PRAY
DRAW ME NEAR TO YOU

EVERYTHING I NEED IS YOU
MY BEGINNING, MY FOREVER
EVERYTHING I NEED IS YOU

ALL FOR A LOVE, A SAVIOUR PRAYED
ABBA FATHER HAVE YOUR WAY
THOUGH THEY KNOW NOT WHAT THEY DO
LET THE CROSS DRAW MAN TO YOU

i just love this song.. i cried when i first heard this.. it proves Christ's unconditional love for me.. remember that worship is an overflow of the heart. my heart just exploded with tears of joy. tears that caused me inner peace because i know that without Him, i am nothing. despite my multitude of sins, He still accepted me. He still forgives me. You died for me, a sinful, worthless me who never deserved to be saved. by Your blood i am made clean...why did You do that? You didn't have to die for me or any sinner in this world! but You did...because You love us. all of us. i do pray that people would acknowledge You and Your Love more. i pray that they see the greatness of Your Love. everything that we need is You.. we don't need anyone else, anything. You are enough. and we love You. :)

do you know how much i need you? do you know how much i cry for you? do you know that things won't be the same without someone like you? do you know i'll never find another you? do you know i'll have to step away right now? do you know how much it hurts when i have to learn to let you go? do you know how much i don't want to? do you know that i don't want to do any of those to you? do you know how painful it is when my my dad said i'll meet more guys in new zealand? do you know how much anguish he caused me? do you know much i appreciated that comfort you gave me? do you know that i'll try to let you go but deep inside i really wont? do you know how much i can't? do you know how scared i am for you? do you know that i don't care about me because i've been dead long ago? do you know how God comforted me through you and Deb and Beks? do you know how much God has blessed me with because of you and them? do you know that He has a plan for both of us? do you know that i'm praying for you? do you ever think that way too?

how we've come so far and away from the feelings we knew would lead us here; anyway, so like those flowers i left i know we'd never change one single moment saved that i've always spent lying quietly; when i looked into your eyes and i said, "God only knows when i'll see you again.. should have kepy you away there and then.. where i'd have you all to myself and i know that it's selfish but i just can't help if i believe.. we can't get enough of what magic we made together so never doubt that so long as the moon still hangs nightly then you can be sure i'll be waiting each night.." (aww.)

 i still remember that time and your voice won me over so don't ask me why.. don't ask why this matter's enough coz the answers you want won't be too hard to find, if you try looking back here at the porch that we left early morning..

so darling..

before that old moon says goodnight all too soon, you should sit here like we did that night.. ask me again and then that's when i'll tell you..

why i'll never leave you again...

i learned from that Lilo and Stitch movie that love is more powerful than death. Stitch short circuited and died. Lilo cried (i was teary eyed myself) but she still believed Stitch could live despite the circumstances...and he did! :D i don't know how, but it happened. love can reallt do great things. (just like Christ's love for us.) her love for Stitch was more powerful than death. their friendship still showed even until Stitch's death. Stitch knew he was guna expire pretty soon, and he left because as he was dying, his glitches caused great damages to everyone. he sacrificed not being with Lilo even though he wanted to so badly...but he knew that leaving would be the better choice. he died, but he came back. the friendship prospered after the incident even more, and their bond is stronger than ever. it's somewhat the same with my situation. i have to leave (but i won't die. i don't want to just yet! lol) but it's for the sake of sacrificing my feelings for something long term. i know i'll come back. i know you won't stop believing and i know our friendship will prevail.

"the way you loved me vanished all the tears..." - a line from the ending song of jennifer love in the movie. a thought came to me after watching that.. when you have a moment to show your love for someone, don't hesitate. don't show reluctance for you might not have that moment ever again. a lost second might not happen again. it's a chance you may never get for a second time.

a friend told me the reason daw why you're afraid to tell me is because we seem to have such a perfect friendship and that you might ruin it if you do something such as admit your feelings... i can say from what i've watched and learned is that our friendship won't be impaired if you spill your guts out. it will get somewhat intricate in a way, but isn't that customary already? don't relationships have their complicated moments? your coming clean to me about what you honestly feel isn't really a predicament. it's just that we're both afraid of what's gunna happen next. will it be something amiable? or will it be disagreeable?

i really don't intend on dissipitating a chance. that chance that could be lost in the blink of an eye. our only chance to be something more than friends, and yet, in spite of everything, be bestfriends at the same time...

that same friend told me this schmaltzy, somewhat maudlin story of how she saw "us". referring to and and this dude i care so much about. it goes something like:

i can see it now..
it was camp...
the sky was unusually clear.. with only the luminescent moon shining brightly contrasting the bleak sky... you were sitting outside the hall.. just the two of you.. remembering the past, laughing at the present and wondering about the years to come...he gets up and says, "it's getting late, let me walk you back to your cottage. :)"

you smile and get up, and you walk side by side.. laughing and talking along the way.. in the middle of the field, where it was dark and no one could see... he stops and stares at the moon..

"i'll really miss you, kinky..." he goes...

"there's something i've been itching to tell you..."

you come closer to him ask, "what is it?"

he faces you.. he looks into your eyes.. he holds you close..

"i love you..." he goes as he embraces you tightly, with tears rolling down from his eyes..

from behind you could hear the adults telling everyone that it's time for lights off..

you wanna go but you can't.
you just both cry silently in the middle of it all...
in each other's arms..

can this ever happen to us? will it ever happen notwithstanding my departure? i need the memory of a warm embrace to keep me holding on, for me to keep on having faith and believing that it will happen, that we have our chance, against all odds, in His perfect timing and His will.