MOVED.

…

a new perspective

I’m not making a stand. One that, I swear to God, never to step away from; a promise I shan’t ever break. As it says in Song of Songs 8:4, “I want you to promise not to awaken love until the time is right.” - I shall do exactly what that says. I’ll focus on Him and Him alone. By redeeming my time, by focusing on doing everything for Him, I can direct my thoughts on what is important for teenagers like myself.

Somehow, I can forsee this being a difficult promise. One that I might slip away from, if I don’t stipulate on doing something as unlikely as such. I know that with the Lord guiding me, I will be able to do so.

I’ll save myself, my whole self, for my future husband. I don’t know who he is right now; neither do you - nor anyone on this earth (if you’re a teemager like me.) So, right now, I have a new perspective. “Just friends.” I’ll be treating everyone equally, sister and brother in Christ. No “particular friendship” as of the moment. I’ll really try to remove that from my system. But if that thought comes to my head once more - the thought of having a relationship or something similar to that - I’ll pray. Pray that I would pur God first and His plan for me. I yearn to be the Best for someone; I know God is molding some else too. Whoever he might be, wherever; God is telling me to start now.

“A Woman’s Question”

by Lena Lathrop

(from “I Kissed Dating Goodbye”)

Do you know you have asked for the costliest thing
Ever made by the Hand above?
A woman’s heart, and a woman’s life -
And a woman’s wonderful love.

Do you know you have asked for this priceless thing
As a child might ask for a toy?
Demanding what other have died to win,
With the reckless dash of a boy.

You have written my lesson of duty out,
Manlike, you have questioned me.
Now stand at the bars of my woman’s soul
Until I shall question thee.
You require your mutton shall always be hot,
Your socks and your shirt be whole;
I require your heart be true as God’s stars
And as pure as His heaven your soul.

You require a cook for your mutton and beef,
I require a far greater thing;
A seamstress you’re wanting for socks and shirts -
I look for a man and king.

A king for the beautiful realm called Home,
And a man that his Maker, God,
Shall look upon as He did on his first
And say, “It is very good.”

I am fair and young, but the rose may fade
From this soft young cheek one day;
Will you love me then ‘mid the falling leaves,
As you did ‘mong the blossoms of May?

Is your heart an ocean so strong and true,
I may launch my all on its tide?
A loving woman finds heaven or hell
On the day she is made a bride.

I require all things that are grand and true,
All things that a man should be;
If you give this all, I would stake my life
To be all you demand of me.

If you cannot be this, a laundress and cook
You can hire and little to pay;
But a woman’s heart and a woman’s life
Are not to be won that way.

“To girls: I pray this poem serves as a reminder to keep your standards high. Require all things that are ‘grand and true’. As you consider the possiblity of marraige, don’t lower your standards for a moment; any guy who asks you to do so isn’t worth your time. To guys: My hope is that you would truly grasp the costliness, the pricelessness, of a woman’s love. It is no small thing, no game, to invite a girl to accompany you trhough life. May you earn the right to make such a request by striving to be men of integrity - men whose hearts are oceans ’strong and true’. Then, and only then, should you stand at the bars of a woman’s soul and ask to gain entrance.”

glitter accident in the sky

A shooting star. It’s not a sight you get to see everyday, especially when you live the citylife. I got to see one when I went to the docks with two of my friends during our last night in the beach. Even if it flew across the star-scattered sky for just a split second, I saw it, but I didn’t feel happy; I guess, I felt alone.

My two friends were there with me, but I kept my distance from them (they were too sweet to disturb aghem). And I would hear them giggle and whisper about the star that went and passed. That made me feel more alone, or at least I just wanted someone, frankly, a man beside me. I wanted to see a face, a smiling face beside me, instead of the couple near me. I wanted to feel the warmth of a man’s touch and presence, instead of the cold breeze that blew and chilled me. I wanted to hear a man’s voice of comfort, instead of the waves of the sea crashing on the rocks. I wanted to smell the aroma of him, instead of the salty stench of the water. I wanted a love that, if it loved me, i’d learn to love myself. And all I did there was wish and want, and those were nothing but words. How many times have I wished and yet never came true?

That shooting star, that rare sight for a girl like me who lives in the city, that just wasn’t for me. It wasn’t meant for me to enjoy, it wasn’t for me to wish upon, it wasn’t me who prayed for it. So I just prayed for my own. One that would come at the right moment when I’d be with someone special. Whenever that is, I’ll wait. No matter how rare these moments are, I’ll wait.

–by bebe.

daymn.

i feel so mean haha. mich slept over the other night and we talked to you till 4 in the morning (note: we had to wake up at 8 the next day). pretending to sleep, i faked doing that as to somewhat hear what you had to say with you thinking i never heard them. but yeah, i did.

you lied to me, but you did that to adhere from telling me the absolute truth that could cause such a comomtion. and i’m so glad you hindered from declaring to me that of which i would have wanted to here, but not at this moment. perhaps when we’re really certain of our feelings and commitment and priorities, you can tell me na. why can you not tell me now??? it’s confusing me too you know. i think it will be best if you don’t tell me on camp. oh wait, before anything else, i know that he knows that i know about some things he told some people. so, basically, we’re seemingly looking inconspicuous to each other when we’re truly not. hayy.

do we really have to hide it? do we really have to make our feelings clandestine from each other? i guess we do. we have to. although i know we both want to, we can’t eh. as sad as things can get, i’m hopeful. i’m somewhat really positive about what could  happen in the future…but though somehow scared. i’m scared because you said you were scared too. you said, “what if she finds someone better there?” but what if i don’t anymore? will you move on for something that would never really come? would you really get tired of waiting? i have a feeling that it’s possible to happen… *sigh*

but i don’t want it to! please.. don’t.

i’m still feeling fuzzy for the things you said that you thought i never heard. that dream of yours, the things you say concerning me and the weird stuff i dare not speak of when i’m with you.. the odd thing is, i talk about it to other people. rusmfusm!

somehow… i start to think that letting go and just holding back for now is a nice option. it’s an option. but everytime i begin talking about just distancing myself…i stop. it gets caught in my throat and i can’t go on… i just don’t want to. i know i can, but i won’t. i’m still praying about it… because we’re not doing anything wrong! being best friends is just what we are…we care for each other, but deep inside, we have hidden emotions. hidden. so what’s wrong with that? nothing.

right?

we seem so close, and yet i can’t open up thoughts concerning “us”. why do i even bother? i shouldn’t be fussing over things such as that. it will come in its own time. i don’t blame you nor i for caring too much for each other. i just pray that things will go, not according to my plan, but to God’s. i entrust to Him everything… honestly, things are just beginning to look…weird. weird in a way that it;s getting cheesy. you know what i mean. i don’t wanna reveal it yet, i want God to give the go signal first.. i don’t want to stray away from His will, i want to focus on Him first and not on the other “him.” it just seems so unlikely right now. not now. not when i’m being so fired up for the Lord. so passionate for Him. damn the devil! :p

i just have to keep under wraps the circumstances commencing as of the moment. i have to make it clear to you and to everybody that we’re really just best friends who care a lot.. somehow..

will you ever know?

don’t you know that things are so great between us? do you have any idea how happy i am when i’m with you? don’t you know that you’re the reason why i feel comforted? why i feel so cared for? do you know how much i yearn to care for you too? do you know how much i appreciate all those things you do for me? do you know that i notice those simple things? do you know how much i love it when you tease me? do you know how thankful i am for having you? do you know how much i love everything about you?

do you know how much i need you? do you know how much i cry for you? do you know that things won’t be the same without someone like you? do you know i’ll never find another you? do you know i’ll have to step away right now? do you know how much it hurts when i have to learn to let you go? do you know how much i don’t want to? do you know that i don’t want to do any of those to you? do you know how painful it is when my my dad said i’ll meet more guys in new zealand? do you know how much anguish he caused me? do you know much i appreciated that comfort you gave me? do you know that i’ll try to let you go but deep inside i really wont? do you know how much i can’t? do you know how scared i am for you? do you know that i don’t care about me because i’ve been dead long ago? do you know how God comforted me through you and Deb and Beks? do you know how much God has blessed me with because of you and them? do you know that He has a plan for both of us? do you know that i’m praying for you? do you ever think that way too?

one chance.

i don’t know why, but recently… i’ve watched to movies that has something to do about friendship, death and love. one was Lilo and Stitch: Stitch has a glitch (yeah, pardon for being a kid at heart ) and the other one was If Only just a few moments ago.

i learned from that Lilo and Stitch movie that love is more powerful than death. Stitch short circuited and died. Lilo cried (i was teary eyed myself) but she still believed Stitch could live despite the circumstances…and he did! i don’t know how, but it happened. love can reallt do great things. (just like Christ’s love for us.) her love for Stitch was more powerful than death. their friendship still showed even until Stitch’s death. Stitch knew he was guna expire pretty soon, and he left because as he was dying, his glitches caused great damages to everyone. he sacrificed not being with Lilo even though he wanted to so badly…but he knew that leaving would be the better choice. he died, but he came back. the friendship prospered after the incident even more, and their bond is stronger than ever. it’s somewhat the same with my situation. i have to leave (but i won’t die. i don’t want to just yet! lol) but it’s for the sake of sacrificing my feelings for something long term. i know i’ll come back. i know you won’t stop believing and i know our friendship will prevail.

“the way you loved me vanished all the tears…” - a line from the ending song of jennifer love in the movie. a thought came to me after watching that.. when you have a moment to show your love for someone, don’t hesitate. don’t show reluctance for you might not have that moment ever again. a lost second might not happen again. it’s a chance you may never get for a second time.

a friend told me the reason daw why you’re afraid to tell me is because we seem to have such a perfect friendship and that you might ruin it if you do something such as admit your feelings… i can say from what i’ve watched and learned is that our friendship won’t be impaired if you spill your guts out. it will get somewhat intricate in a way, but isn’t that customary already? don’t relationships have their complicated moments? your coming clean to me about what you honestly feel isn’t really a predicament. it’s just that we’re both afraid of what’s gunna happen next. will it be something amiable? or will it be disagreeable?

i really don’t intend on dissipitating a chance. that chance that could be lost in the blink of an eye. our only chance to be something more than friends, and yet, in spite of everything, be bestfriends at the same time…

that same friend told me this schmaltzy, somewhat maudlin story of how she saw “us”. referring to and and this dude i care so much about. it goes something like:

i can see it now..
it was camp…
the sky was unusually clear.. with only the luminescent moon shining brightly contrasting the bleak sky… you were sitting outside the hall.. just the two of you.. remembering the past, laughing at the present and wondering about the years to come…he gets up and says, “it’s getting late, let me walk you back to your cottage. ”

you smile and get up, and you walk side by side.. laughing and talking along the way.. in the middle of the field, where it was dark and no one could see… he stops and stares at the moon..

“i’ll really miss you, kinky…” he goes…

“there’s something i’ve been itching to tell you…”

you come closer to him ask, “what is it?”

he faces you.. he looks into your eyes.. he holds you close..

“i love you…” he goes as he embraces you tightly, with tears rolling down from his eyes..

from behind you could hear the adults telling everyone that it’s time for lights off..

you wanna go but you can’t.
you just both cry silently in the middle of it all…
in each other’s arms..

can this ever happen to us? will it ever happen notwithstanding my departure? i need the memory of a warm embrace to keep me holding on, for me to keep on having faith and believing that it will happen, that we have our chance, against all odds, in His perfect timing and His will.

genuine hope

there’s actually hope. i feel so glad now despite all the sadness enveloping me as i think of going away. but there’s hope. i promised michypie i wouldn’t tell you that i knew about the things you said the other night. i can’t help but smile that you also hope and that you won’t really open your heart for someone else.

even though we don’t admit it, how ironic it is that you have the same intuition as mine. :b it gives me great pleasure to be aware of your thoughts…though you have no idea that i do. i laugh at myself for ever doubting God. He has given me too much…so why the heck do i hesitate and distrust?

i’m delighted you made areservation to not have girlfriend until you have a stable job… but will i be too late? when i come back…will you have another? those suspicions just show my disbelief in God. how foolish of me to think that. pardon me for being too bold, but i can declare that my skepticism is just too possible. though i dare not wish for it to be true, how can it not when i am distant from that who dare not wish to love another?

 i cannot fathom this dread that surrounds me heart. do you not see how much uncertainty the situation has caused upon me? upon us? though strange as it may seem…amidst all the turmoil in this world, i still see a spark of hope for us. if you would just believe in your heart that i would come back. i will come back. then maybe, if the Lord finds favor in us… He would bless our relationship.

 phooey, if there really is a relationship to begin with. haha. how paradoxical. i dare not venture into your thoughts no more for it bewilders my mind… so as to wonder my heart as well? i know not how to explain further. it’s just incongruous. but i am ecstatic. bizarrely on cloud nine thanks to you, your clandestine notions and optimism. ;’)

to someone who’ll never know…

Dear Boy,
   Why do you need to look at me back? Just…please…don’t. Ignore me. I hate to assume. Do you know how much I want to forget you so bad? When you look back at my stolen glances, the flames start to grow again. All you do is make me pretend that you notice me but I know for a fact that you don’t.

   I keep on assuming. I keep on hoping, dreaming, and going up again. Then I fall down, hurting myself again. The process keeps going on and on. I’m so tired of this hulabaloo. You hurt me even if it’s not your fault. You hurt me with you not having the slightest idea.

   Why in the world could you not look away, when all you have to do is think that I’m nobody. Let me serve God without pocketing some stupid personal motive. Maybe it’s my part. I will not let our eyes meet. Don’t let our eyes meet. Napapaasa ako. I know I should be the one avoiding, so starting now, I’m not going to look. I hate this staring game. All I want you to be is my oh-so-pretty ideal guy, far, far away, not noticing that discrete admirer in the shadows. DON’T RUIN IT! Just be happy and let God be the center of your life. Yaknowat? I’m praying for you. Have you been complacent lately? Because I’m really noticing that you do. But what does me have to do with your life. I don’t even know what’s going on. Ok. Maybe I’ll just pray for you. I’ll pray whoever my God’s Best is….

Love,
Girl

passenger seat

i was beside you in the car yesterday. chris was driving and noel was in the front seat of the car. so yeah, it left you and me to ride together at the back seat of the car. i don’t know why, but…i guess i expected that to happen. i was guilty of having a lusciously sweet thought. weird i know, i just can’t help the fact that i think of us being together and actually being “together”. haha. i laigh at that thought. i mean, when would you ever realize that i am growing fond of your presence? more every moment i spend my time with you?

 how i wish i could comprehend these thoughts. chris was hilarious enough to joke as you walked with noel out to the gate. “kung inaantok ka, may sandalan ka naman jan eh!” (me: looking puzzled) (chris: smirking) “yung katabi mo!” it was comical. yes. but peculiar. i never expected anyone to think that. and yet, why do i fancy that concept? my weary head on your gentle shoulder, your aroma soothing my lethargic spirit and your doting caress on my uncompelled hand.

dreams to cause my wounded heart such sweetsorrow. knowing how grueling it is to confine all my feelings for you is just tear-jearking. knowing how i can’t stroke your crunched up hair, how i can’t feel that warm embrace, that promising grasp that could keep me from showing these feelings too wonderful for words.

 how unspeakable these halluciantions are. i cannot decipher anything! too much is the bewilderment ensnaring this mind. i doubt if you’re baffled as well. i gazed into those deep brown eyes of yours…as ot said in a song.. “one look and i died.” i did. i could not be “au fait” with that intuition i got when i had this chance to do so. i can never look at you the same unaffected way, i became more unpretentious, but still with some assumptions. i couldn’t help but speculate if you were feeling the same way. i felt the warmth, the tenderness and amiability in that simple journey with you.

how i wish i could have more. more jaunts with you. more moments where i can break free and be emancipated with you. to just have you. even for a blink. to have my head on your shoulder…just once.

i suppose i did, in that second where i just caught a glimpe of your eye and your love…i had you.

friends forever?

…hmmmm.

i’ll wait on the Lord for you. i shouldnt have some one in particular when i think of my future husband but i can’t help but make you singit in the picture. it’s like you just pop in there for some weird reason. i try not to… and i am.

 i have to prove to my dad that we’re just friends. but are we? are we more? i have no idea. i should slap myself for even thinking that thought, all it does is ruin what i have been trying to build up since my previous mistake with alex. actually, i dont really regret that mistake because i have learned a lot from it. i just want to prove to everyone that i have learned. and i will not make the same mistakes again. but will i really stop? am i taking a step into the pool of mistakes with you once more? should i back away? what if i can’t? what would happen to me? to you?

 to us?

there was never really an “us” to begin with. we are our own person. you hate girls controlling guys, and a loathe guys controlling girls. we just have a lot in common, and we have our differences. can’t people see that we’re nothing more but friends? we hang out like normal people. no special attachment whatsoever. okei. not really. there is “something” there but… nothing so serious. just a meer spark of liking. should anyone care? this is normal. i am a teenager with peer pressures, bad hair days and mood swings.

i got a hint that he somewhat “likes me”. but why do i ponder on that too much? do i expect something more than being friends? do i secretly smile when i see you? does my heart skip a beat when you tell me a secret or show that you care? do i like it when you talk to me about anything? do i find it “kiligful” when your face comes close to mine when you say something about a movie? i can’t say yes to these questions because that wouldn’t be exactly true, and yet i can’t say no because that isn’t exactly correct. a perfect answer would be: WHY? it keeps away the unfathomable questions that linger in this head.

i like us being friends. i hope we will be like that forever. i don’t know what lies ahead in the future…only HE does. so, i won’t picture you in my fairy tale ending just yet. when i know that it’s you, then i happily will. but right now, there’s no one in particular. great relationships start at being really great friends. you can say lovers and couples are friends too.

 i’m happy we’re friends. i hope we will be for a long time.