such a heavy heart

I’ve been having such a heavy heart lately. It’s odd. Somehow, I have no reason to feel such bizarre feelings. I couldn’t fathom these tears I was shedding, I couldn’t understand why the hell I could be so emotional. Then, I prayed. It’s amazing how prayer can change so much of the confusion.

Once she felt so baffled by things she didn’t dare be burdened with. Emotions so caught up in what could be rather than what will be. Reasons still not found, she never risked breaking down into his arms and just pushing away all that she has been saving for. But yes - she did break down; not to him though. To a much higher Being. For some reason, the simple things that would have meant so much to both of them were being held back by her. She never desired for that to happen; she just felt she needed to. Perhaps there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s just gunna hurt a whole damn much.

It’s been her promise ever since, it’s just hasn’t been done. It was always forgotten on those times she became so vulnerable. Never will she forget any longer. Though she yearns for that warmth of your embrace, that sweet gesture of comfort and care, the soothing (shall i say sexy? lol) aroma of your voice, and that unexplainable yet so tender feeling they both clandestinely feel… she will detach herself despite the fact that she’s so drawn to you.

“Absence makes the heart grow fonder.” Ahh. How I always keep that in mind and heart. That is, if that love is true. Maybe this is a test. A really heartrending test. It’s not totally disconnecting not enstrangement; somewhat breaking free and just putting things where they should really be. I don’t want to do something that I’ll regret later on - no matter how good they feel. I just want the best for you. You may not know it, but I really want your focus to be on God and not on me. Just pray. I don’t want us to drift apart, on the contrary, we might even be closer - in the right sense. Although I might sound like I’m just circling on the topic, I feel I just want to let it all out ya know.

Im tough, but I’m not that resilient when it comes to these things. I will get through this. Oh God, help me.

tearstains on my pillow

“if i could only steal you from new zealand…” 

if only.
oh how i would give up the world just to have you in my arms right now. *sigh*
i think that was somehow from a song.. 
i’m just not sure. well anyway…
i can’t believe you made me cry again. why?! why the heck do you give me shivers down my spine and yet tears as well? how come i suffer this inevitable pain and yet… i still drown myself in you thoughts? pitiful as i am, i don’t want your sympathy. i don’t want your anxiety nor your condolences. instead, could i have a glimpse of your love? can i be the one on your mind?
perhaps i just deny it really.. dramatically, i prefer to abjure rather than accept the truth of you ever loving someone like me. why? for clandestine reasons! some might be to apparent, but wish to keep it hidden. i admit of my desire for your love and for you. it’s evident that you do too… so why hold back? it’s incomprehensible. i just don’t want you to know. and i don’t want you to get hurt again.
and why will you be hurt? there’s this vague veracity deep within you that i can’t really comprehend right now. and with that, i fear giving you agony with my departure. i know you don’t want me to go, but you don’t exhibit that feeling. that yearning deep within you that longs for me to stay…
 

i’d love to stay. i’d want to have a life that includes you… but if it ain’t His will, then i wouldn’t want to contradict. i’m really longing to be with you. you can’t picture how much i want to… but do i need to? do i really have to be with you? i don’t want to leave you! can’t you see that? i don’t want to hurt you with my endeavor… things will have to change between us. some would be for the better, but i have this intuition that things will change for the worse. i apologize now palang if i would ever make you cry… i don’t intend to. i definitely don’t want to see tears stream down your cheek because of me. distance is difficult… but i do hope our friendship prevails. just let me cry. i feel anguish when i think of the sad adjustments i’d have to make. without my friends, without church… without you…
nevertheless, i know for a fact that i will come back… and if the Lord finds favor in us..
will you wait for me till then?

a bittersweet daydream.

i was on the beach…

 it was around midnight and everyone was asleep…or so she thought. she snook out of the house and went to the docks to silently cry by herself and ponder on some thoughts that have been lingering in her mind. teardrops fell on her cheeks as she

thought of that day she’ll leave the people she loves so dearly…

she wept some more while gazing at the rustic full moon and magnificently clear skies. an evanescent reflection showing with this blurry tear-stained eyes of mine…

then suddenly, footsteps were amiss.

and she saw you.. walking towards the weeping, broken lady.. you gazed up at the beautiful sky and she saw a tear run down your cheek.. speaking the words “don’t go” as you went closer to where she was crying… you looked deep into her bittersweet eyes…

and they were locked in love’s eternally warm embrace…never to be torn apart.

pissed.

i feel so pissed right now. this isn’t my usual mushy posts - i’m sorry. i just feel so damn pissed for all the hard work being depleted in this stupid computer! why the heck did i have to press that stupid damn button!!!!!

what a valentine’s day. a great day ruined by my self centeredness once more. if i had just saved it, none of the negative aura would have ever come. damn. i actually loved this day despite the projects i had to do, even though i didn’t have a valentine (who needs one when we have God?), even though our dance was uber successful, even though i got to talk to you when i was bored when i was procrastinating… despite all the good blessings i got today, HOW COME I FEEL SO DAMN PISSED?!

*sigh* i need to relax. somehow, i felt so relax this morning. when we talked and i cried…you made me smile and laugh again. i need that. where are you now?

what would happen if i need your comfort and you’re not in my reach anymore? i can’t bare that thought.

please don’t let me go…

if only…

(i had to retype everything… it was erased and i feel so pissed and sad now.. ;’c damn.damn.damn. i can’t remember the awesome things i typed moments ago.. and i don’t feel like typing it all again. i apologize. i know i shouldn’t have said that but i’m just so pissed. why>??!?!?!? ) 

i see you running far off.. trodding away or coming near? i can’t forget the time we almost held hands.. almost. what a word. it was peculiarly odd…it was just our normal “apir” moment but for a second there…i saw a twinkle in your eye. haha am i hallucinating or what?

 –this was more than a week ago.. and now, valentine’s day.. i still find it hard remove this thought in my head…

valentine’s day was never that important to me - and it still isn’t..that much. but..for some reason, i guess this was a different day. we finally have a weird memory of february 14 hehe

its outrageous. i heard the words i never actually wanted to hear from you… not now. i knew, from a friend, you try not to think about it and yet i still keep reminding you, reminding myself of the time we have left. not much time, but - as the positive thinker that you are - sabi mo nga… “matagal pa naman yun.” i guess… so why… why did you have to say the words which induce so much sorrow? do you even know it causes me pain and joy all at the same time?

dont go…

i cried when you declared this to me… our usual midnight talk and i cried as you actually revealed this to me… never did i expect my dream to come true. it was actual and i couldn’t control my tear ducts. though i said it wasn’t your fault, it actually was. i couldn’t admit to you why i truly broke down.

i’m sorry i lied. i lied when i said i just remembered my friends who left abroad in the past. it was half truth. i cried because of what you said. when you uttered those words, i felt the care. the pain and the love that goes with it. i never wanted you to get hurt. but  i was the only one sobbing, the only one still lamenting on that melancholic thought. it makes me not want to leave anymore…my desire to stay and never leave you.

DAMN. IM SO PISSED I CAN’T TYPE ANY DAMN GOOD THING RIGHT NOW. IT WAS ALL SO WONDERFUL. SO WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE DELETED?????! WHY!!!!!

CAN ANYONE TELL ME HOW TO RECOVER POSTS PLEASE?

I NEED MY POST BACK :’C im begging… i need it. i worked so hard for it.

i’m sorry…

is my love for you going to be like my post?

i sure hope not.

gut feeling

my parents are planning to go to new zealand and i feel so poignant about leaving this place… i don’t want to.. i don’t desire to depart the place where i feel so contented and calm. the thought of it is just so depressing.

my heart objects from this proposal. longer that i become attached to you, the harder it is for me to let go when the times comes for me to leave. the burning and excruciating agony is just unthinkable. i would not want to seaprate myself from you. not just you, but also my true friends. i have found them, God has given them to me, and then what would transpire? this. me being cut off from them. i do not wish to think that i am to be disconnected from them since there shall be chats, phone calls and wishful thinking.

why is it that whenever i find a sincere friend, they are taken away from me? its such a nuisance - that was the first thought in my head…but as i contemplated, God didn’t want me to undergo such anguish. to lose someone so dear? He never intended to cause me grief for that loss. old friends will still be a part of me, they will always will be. and the new buddies i come across? the ones i have now are just da bomb. they will be uber permanent in my heart, never to be replaced. no one can take the place of you. Debz, Rebeks, JC and all of my friends at church - i will by no means fail to remember you and the times we have had and will have in the future. i look forward to more memories i wish not to disregard - i know for a fact that i won’t.

i have a certain gut feeling. that heartending intuition one obtains when one discerns something is amiss. perhaps it is wrong to have this emotion… it’s just so implausible! i never suspected migrating to somewhere as far-flung as new zeland… knowing i’d be ripped from your world. i’d be plucked out from your life just like that. it’s discouraging. i can comprehend the fact of me probably not taking up college here or what not, but what i can’t grasp is the thought of me leaving.

 
leaving my life, my true friends. leaving you.

i don’t want to. though there is a great possibility of me doing so, i would never intend to do so. right now, everything hasn’t been approved yet. we’re still waiting for God’s answer..moreso, my parents are still going through some stages before anything happens with the plan.

there’s a very big change though. gargantuan if you ask my dad. he desires to leave this place as soon as possible. i understand, he wants the best for us, and for him, the Philippines doesn’t have much hope…and he’s right. only God really knows what will happen to our beloved country.

i see myself incomplete and forlorn. what would happen to us if we part? “absence makes the heart grow fonder?” whatever…i’d cry the ocean before i could leave you. buckets of tears shall be poured out until i can cry no more. without you? i will miss you and our moments. much much more than ou could ever imagine. if we meant to be together, nothing - not even new zealand - could tear us apart. God would have a way for us to be together again. but if we’re not…i’m really glad i met someone like you.

would you ever know the truth here in my poor desolate futile heart? i wouldn’t want to tell you…

“dont go…”

i want to hear these words from you…yet i don’t want to. not right now. i desire your heart to utter these bitter words…so i wouldn’t have to.

someday…

how true is this?
i’ll find you..
you’ll find me.. 
soon…
but not right now..
it will all be too bitter..
and yet..
somehow sweet..
full of bliss..
what can i do?
what can i be?
tell me now..
tell me how..
i can stop myself
how i can be at peace..
how can i?
when my world is crumbling..
when all i see is your face..
that tear in my eye..
i feel..
my heart breaking..
knowing..
we will soon be apart..
no time to heal..
too much pain..
to much aching..
i’ve stabbed my heart..
to see if i still bleed..
to see if i died again..
could this be right?
have i had enough?
i got what i need..
i don’t have to fight..
i shan’t be too rough..
i dont have to hurt..
not anymore..
now that you’re here..
what are tears for?
no more sorrow..
no more grief..
only our tomorrow..
only our relief..
i want to be..
with the one..
who’s suppose to be mine..
i want to see..
the one God planned..
for me to have in time.

foreword

hmm.. another blog. i guess i can never keep a secret in blog terms. i gave away my other supposedly “Secret blog” so i created this. some thoughts lingering in my head… secrets with pain, with joy, with mystery and confusion. secrets some may know, secret some wouldn’t. secrets i myself can’t uncover.

words so deep i cannot fathom… thoughts so painful i wish not to decipher… happiness is what i long for… inner peace, with joy and laughter…

i look into the future.. it’s all blurry but i lift it up to the Lord.. i may have a life which is backwards, unmatched and mixed up.. but i forsee something so great at the end..

a light that shines at the end of this road.