such a heavy heart

I’ve been having such a heavy heart lately. It’s odd. Somehow, I have no reason to feel such bizarre feelings. I couldn’t fathom these tears I was shedding, I couldn’t understand why the hell I could be so emotional. Then, I prayed. It’s amazing how prayer can change so much of the confusion.

Once she felt so baffled by things she didn’t dare be burdened with. Emotions so caught up in what could be rather than what will be. Reasons still not found, she never risked breaking down into his arms and just pushing away all that she has been saving for. But yes - she did break down; not to him though. To a much higher Being. For some reason, the simple things that would have meant so much to both of them were being held back by her. She never desired for that to happen; she just felt she needed to. Perhaps there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s just gunna hurt a whole damn much.

It’s been her promise ever since, it’s just hasn’t been done. It was always forgotten on those times she became so vulnerable. Never will she forget any longer. Though she yearns for that warmth of your embrace, that sweet gesture of comfort and care, the soothing (shall i say sexy? lol) aroma of your voice, and that unexplainable yet so tender feeling they both clandestinely feel… she will detach herself despite the fact that she’s so drawn to you.

“Absence makes the heart grow fonder.” Ahh. How I always keep that in mind and heart. That is, if that love is true. Maybe this is a test. A really heartrending test. It’s not totally disconnecting not enstrangement; somewhat breaking free and just putting things where they should really be. I don’t want to do something that I’ll regret later on - no matter how good they feel. I just want the best for you. You may not know it, but I really want your focus to be on God and not on me. Just pray. I don’t want us to drift apart, on the contrary, we might even be closer - in the right sense. Although I might sound like I’m just circling on the topic, I feel I just want to let it all out ya know.

Im tough, but I’m not that resilient when it comes to these things. I will get through this. Oh God, help me.