such a heavy heart

June 25, 2006

I’ve been having such a heavy heart lately. It’s odd. Somehow, I have no reason to feel such bizarre feelings. I couldn’t fathom these tears I was shedding, I couldn’t understand why the hell I could be so emotional. Then, I prayed. It’s amazing how prayer can change so much of the confusion.

Once she felt so baffled by things she didn’t dare be burdened with. Emotions so caught up in what could be rather than what will be. Reasons still not found, she never risked breaking down into his arms and just pushing away all that she has been saving for. But yes - she did break down; not to him though. To a much higher Being. For some reason, the simple things that would have meant so much to both of them were being held back by her. She never desired for that to happen; she just felt she needed to. Perhaps there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s just gunna hurt a whole damn much.

It’s been her promise ever since, it’s just hasn’t been done. It was always forgotten on those times she became so vulnerable. Never will she forget any longer. Though she yearns for that warmth of your embrace, that sweet gesture of comfort and care, the soothing (shall i say sexy? lol) aroma of your voice, and that unexplainable yet so tender feeling they both clandestinely feel… she will detach herself despite the fact that she’s so drawn to you.

“Absence makes the heart grow fonder.” Ahh. How I always keep that in mind and heart. That is, if that love is true. Maybe this is a test. A really heartrending test. It’s not totally disconnecting not enstrangement; somewhat breaking free and just putting things where they should really be. I don’t want to do something that I’ll regret later on - no matter how good they feel. I just want the best for you. You may not know it, but I really want your focus to be on God and not on me. Just pray. I don’t want us to drift apart, on the contrary, we might even be closer - in the right sense. Although I might sound like I’m just circling on the topic, I feel I just want to let it all out ya know.

Im tough, but I’m not that resilient when it comes to these things. I will get through this. Oh God, help me.

a new perspective

June 9, 2006

I’m not making a stand. One that, I swear to God, never to step away from; a promise I shan’t ever break. As it says in Song of Songs 8:4, “I want you to promise not to awaken love until the time is right.” - I shall do exactly what that says. I’ll focus on Him and Him alone. By redeeming my time, by focusing on doing everything for Him, I can direct my thoughts on what is important for teenagers like myself.

Somehow, I can forsee this being a difficult promise. One that I might slip away from, if I don’t stipulate on doing something as unlikely as such. I know that with the Lord guiding me, I will be able to do so.

I’ll save myself, my whole self, for my future husband. I don’t know who he is right now; neither do you - nor anyone on this earth (if you’re a teemager like me.) So, right now, I have a new perspective. “Just friends.” I’ll be treating everyone equally, sister and brother in Christ. No “particular friendship” as of the moment. I’ll really try to remove that from my system. But if that thought comes to my head once more - the thought of having a relationship or something similar to that - I’ll pray. Pray that I would pur God first and His plan for me. I yearn to be the Best for someone; I know God is molding some else too. Whoever he might be, wherever; God is telling me to start now.

“A Woman’s Question”

June 5, 2006

by Lena Lathrop

(from “I Kissed Dating Goodbye”)

Do you know you have asked for the costliest thing
Ever made by the Hand above?
A woman’s heart, and a woman’s life -
And a woman’s wonderful love.

Do you know you have asked for this priceless thing
As a child might ask for a toy?
Demanding what other have died to win,
With the reckless dash of a boy.

You have written my lesson of duty out,
Manlike, you have questioned me.
Now stand at the bars of my woman’s soul
Until I shall question thee.
You require your mutton shall always be hot,
Your socks and your shirt be whole;
I require your heart be true as God’s stars
And as pure as His heaven your soul.

You require a cook for your mutton and beef,
I require a far greater thing;
A seamstress you’re wanting for socks and shirts -
I look for a man and king.

A king for the beautiful realm called Home,
And a man that his Maker, God,
Shall look upon as He did on his first
And say, “It is very good.”

I am fair and young, but the rose may fade
From this soft young cheek one day;
Will you love me then ‘mid the falling leaves,
As you did ‘mong the blossoms of May?

Is your heart an ocean so strong and true,
I may launch my all on its tide?
A loving woman finds heaven or hell
On the day she is made a bride.

I require all things that are grand and true,
All things that a man should be;
If you give this all, I would stake my life
To be all you demand of me.

If you cannot be this, a laundress and cook
You can hire and little to pay;
But a woman’s heart and a woman’s life
Are not to be won that way.

“To girls: I pray this poem serves as a reminder to keep your standards high. Require all things that are ‘grand and true’. As you consider the possiblity of marraige, don’t lower your standards for a moment; any guy who asks you to do so isn’t worth your time. To guys: My hope is that you would truly grasp the costliness, the pricelessness, of a woman’s love. It is no small thing, no game, to invite a girl to accompany you trhough life. May you earn the right to make such a request by striving to be men of integrity - men whose hearts are oceans ’strong and true’. Then, and only then, should you stand at the bars of a woman’s soul and ask to gain entrance.”

glitter accident in the sky

June 1, 2006

A shooting star. It’s not a sight you get to see everyday, especially when you live the citylife. I got to see one when I went to the docks with two of my friends during our last night in the beach. Even if it flew across the star-scattered sky for just a split second, I saw it, but I didn’t feel happy; I guess, I felt alone.

My two friends were there with me, but I kept my distance from them (they were too sweet to disturb aghem). And I would hear them giggle and whisper about the star that went and passed. That made me feel more alone, or at least I just wanted someone, frankly, a man beside me. I wanted to see a face, a smiling face beside me, instead of the couple near me. I wanted to feel the warmth of a man’s touch and presence, instead of the cold breeze that blew and chilled me. I wanted to hear a man’s voice of comfort, instead of the waves of the sea crashing on the rocks. I wanted to smell the aroma of him, instead of the salty stench of the water. I wanted a love that, if it loved me, i’d learn to love myself. And all I did there was wish and want, and those were nothing but words. How many times have I wished and yet never came true?

That shooting star, that rare sight for a girl like me who lives in the city, that just wasn’t for me. It wasn’t meant for me to enjoy, it wasn’t for me to wish upon, it wasn’t me who prayed for it. So I just prayed for my own. One that would come at the right moment when I’d be with someone special. Whenever that is, I’ll wait. No matter how rare these moments are, I’ll wait.

–by bebe.