daymn.

i feel so mean haha. mich slept over the other night and we talked to you till 4 in the morning (note: we had to wake up at 8 the next day). pretending to sleep, i faked doing that as to somewhat hear what you had to say with you thinking i never heard them. but yeah, i did.

you lied to me, but you did that to adhere from telling me the absolute truth that could cause such a comomtion. and i’m so glad you hindered from declaring to me that of which i would have wanted to here, but not at this moment. perhaps when we’re really certain of our feelings and commitment and priorities, you can tell me na. why can you not tell me now??? it’s confusing me too you know. i think it will be best if you don’t tell me on camp. oh wait, before anything else, i know that he knows that i know about some things he told some people. so, basically, we’re seemingly looking inconspicuous to each other when we’re truly not. hayy.

do we really have to hide it? do we really have to make our feelings clandestine from each other? i guess we do. we have to. although i know we both want to, we can’t eh. as sad as things can get, i’m hopeful. i’m somewhat really positive about what could  happen in the future…but though somehow scared. i’m scared because you said you were scared too. you said, “what if she finds someone better there?” but what if i don’t anymore? will you move on for something that would never really come? would you really get tired of waiting? i have a feeling that it’s possible to happen… *sigh*

but i don’t want it to! please.. don’t.

i’m still feeling fuzzy for the things you said that you thought i never heard. that dream of yours, the things you say concerning me and the weird stuff i dare not speak of when i’m with you.. the odd thing is, i talk about it to other people. rusmfusm!

somehow… i start to think that letting go and just holding back for now is a nice option. it’s an option. but everytime i begin talking about just distancing myself…i stop. it gets caught in my throat and i can’t go on… i just don’t want to. i know i can, but i won’t. i’m still praying about it… because we’re not doing anything wrong! being best friends is just what we are…we care for each other, but deep inside, we have hidden emotions. hidden. so what’s wrong with that? nothing.

right?

we seem so close, and yet i can’t open up thoughts concerning “us”. why do i even bother? i shouldn’t be fussing over things such as that. it will come in its own time. i don’t blame you nor i for caring too much for each other. i just pray that things will go, not according to my plan, but to God’s. i entrust to Him everything… honestly, things are just beginning to look…weird. weird in a way that it;s getting cheesy. you know what i mean. i don’t wanna reveal it yet, i want God to give the go signal first.. i don’t want to stray away from His will, i want to focus on Him first and not on the other “him.” it just seems so unlikely right now. not now. not when i’m being so fired up for the Lord. so passionate for Him. damn the devil! :p

i just have to keep under wraps the circumstances commencing as of the moment. i have to make it clear to you and to everybody that we’re really just best friends who care a lot.. somehow..