will you ever know?

April 18, 2006

don’t you know that things are so great between us? do you have any idea how happy i am when i’m with you? don’t you know that you’re the reason why i feel comforted? why i feel so cared for? do you know how much i yearn to care for you too? do you know how much i appreciate all those things you do for me? do you know that i notice those simple things? do you know how much i love it when you tease me? do you know how thankful i am for having you? do you know how much i love everything about you?

do you know how much i need you? do you know how much i cry for you? do you know that things won’t be the same without someone like you? do you know i’ll never find another you? do you know i’ll have to step away right now? do you know how much it hurts when i have to learn to let you go? do you know how much i don’t want to? do you know that i don’t want to do any of those to you? do you know how painful it is when my my dad said i’ll meet more guys in new zealand? do you know how much anguish he caused me? do you know much i appreciated that comfort you gave me? do you know that i’ll try to let you go but deep inside i really wont? do you know how much i can’t? do you know how scared i am for you? do you know that i don’t care about me because i’ve been dead long ago? do you know how God comforted me through you and Deb and Beks? do you know how much God has blessed me with because of you and them? do you know that He has a plan for both of us? do you know that i’m praying for you? do you ever think that way too?

 

 

never leave me…

April 17, 2006

dark as the moon that hangs lightly in you; aren’t we the only ones drunk on that night? can you remember the sound of my voice? you should know i hear yours; don’t ask why.. and it took me some time to find my way back to the porch that held all the promises that we should never have made; and i knew it was strange; seeing you standing there, like nothing was wrong and you knew i belong; that i picture you took long ago.. maybe you’re right and the way that the light it made perfectly still it can’t show..

how we’ve come so far and away from the feelings we knew would lead us here; anyway, so like those flowers i left i know we’d never change one single moment saved that i’ve always spent lying quietly; when i looked into your eyes and i said, “God only knows when i’ll see you again.. should have kepy you away there and then.. where i’d have you all to myself and i know that it’s selfish but i just can’t help if i believe.. we can’t get enough of what magic we made together so never doubt that so long as the moon still hangs nightly then you can be sure i’ll be waiting each night..” (aww.)

 i still remember that time and your voice won me over so don’t ask me why.. don’t ask why this matter’s enough coz the answers you want won’t be too hard to find, if you try looking back here at the porch that we left early morning..

so darling..

before that old moon says goodnight all too soon, you should sit here like we did that night.. ask me again and then that’s when i’ll tell you..

why i’ll never leave you again…

 

 

one chance.

April 14, 2006

i don’t know why, but recently… i’ve watched to movies that has something to do about friendship, death and love. one was Lilo and Stitch: Stitch has a glitch (yeah, pardon for being a kid at heart ) and the other one was If Only just a few moments ago.

i learned from that Lilo and Stitch movie that love is more powerful than death. Stitch short circuited and died. Lilo cried (i was teary eyed myself) but she still believed Stitch could live despite the circumstances…and he did! i don’t know how, but it happened. love can reallt do great things. (just like Christ’s love for us.) her love for Stitch was more powerful than death. their friendship still showed even until Stitch’s death. Stitch knew he was guna expire pretty soon, and he left because as he was dying, his glitches caused great damages to everyone. he sacrificed not being with Lilo even though he wanted to so badly…but he knew that leaving would be the better choice. he died, but he came back. the friendship prospered after the incident even more, and their bond is stronger than ever. it’s somewhat the same with my situation. i have to leave (but i won’t die. i don’t want to just yet! lol) but it’s for the sake of sacrificing my feelings for something long term. i know i’ll come back. i know you won’t stop believing and i know our friendship will prevail.

 

 

“the way you loved me vanished all the tears…” - a line from the ending song of jennifer love in the movie. a thought came to me after watching that.. when you have a moment to show your love for someone, don’t hesitate. don’t show reluctance for you might not have that moment ever again. a lost second might not happen again. it’s a chance you may never get for a second time.

a friend told me the reason daw why you’re afraid to tell me is because we seem to have such a perfect friendship and that you might ruin it if you do something such as admit your feelings… i can say from what i’ve watched and learned is that our friendship won’t be impaired if you spill your guts out. it will get somewhat intricate in a way, but isn’t that customary already? don’t relationships have their complicated moments? your coming clean to me about what you honestly feel isn’t really a predicament. it’s just that we’re both afraid of what’s gunna happen next. will it be something amiable? or will it be disagreeable?

 

i really don’t intend on dissipitating a chance. that chance that could be lost in the blink of an eye. our only chance to be something more than friends, and yet, in spite of everything, be bestfriends at the same time…

that same friend told me this schmaltzy, somewhat maudlin story of how she saw “us”. referring to and and this dude i care so much about. it goes something like:

i can see it now..
it was camp…
the sky was unusually clear.. with only the luminescent moon shining brightly contrasting the bleak sky… you were sitting outside the hall.. just the two of you.. remembering the past, laughing at the present and wondering about the years to come…he gets up and says, “it’s getting late, let me walk you back to your cottage. ”

you smile and get up, and you walk side by side.. laughing and talking along the way.. in the middle of the field, where it was dark and no one could see… he stops and stares at the moon..

“i’ll really miss you, kinky…” he goes…

“there’s something i’ve been itching to tell you…”

you come closer to him ask, “what is it?”

he faces you.. he looks into your eyes.. he holds you close..

 

“i love you…” he goes as he embraces you tightly, with tears rolling down from his eyes..

from behind you could hear the adults telling everyone that it’s time for lights off..

you wanna go but you can’t.
you just both cry silently in the middle of it all…
in each other’s arms..

can this ever happen to us? will it ever happen notwithstanding my departure? i need the memory of a warm embrace to keep me holding on, for me to keep on having faith and believing that it will happen, that we have our chance, against all odds, in His perfect timing and His will.

 

 

“One In This World”

I’ve been searching for
A heart that needs a heart like mine
I’ve been reaching for
A hand that understands
I’ve been waiting for
Someone that I can love
That loves me
Loves me for the one that I am

Someone to hold me when I’m lonley
Someone to keep the rain away
They say
They say

[Chorus]
There’s one in this world for everyone
One heart
One soul to walk besides you
One in this life to share your love
One touch
To touch the heart inside you
Wanna reach for each night
Wanna trust with your life
That’s what I believe
You’re the one
The one in this world for me

I’ve been praying that
Someone like you would rescue me
I’ve been hoping that
I’ll find my way to you
I’ve been dreaming that
Someday I’ll finely find somebody
Somebody to make my dreams come ture

Somebody to hold me when I’m lonley
Someone to give my whole world to
They say
They say

[Chorus]

Somebody to hold me when I’m lonely
Someone to tell my secrets to
Someone who’s living for me only
Someone to give my whole world to
They say
They say
They say
They say

[Chorus]

You’re the one
You’re the one in this world for me
You’re the one

 

how would i know if you’re “the one” God created for me? i know i can never be oh-so-certain. i am hoping though. it’s very probable for us to disclose the feelings we have towards each other. oh how i dream of that day to come, and yet, despite the fact that i yearn for it… how come i have this doubt? this brusque and distasteful skepticism deep within me?

i want to remove it from this system of mine. i want to, but i cant! i long to be with you… i really want you to be the one. i’m glad i found somebody like you.. though i have this uncertainty, i have faith in both of us. that we can survive this separation and that, in His time, we can finally be in each other’s arms…

in that song, i love that line when it said, “they say you’re the one in this world for me.. somebody to hold me when i’m lonely.. (and so on..)” why? because it’s true. my friends declare it, but i can’t help denying it. call me the denial queen, but i just don’t want to admit it. in my heart, i promised to reserve myself for that somebody who would hold me when i’m lonely, to that someone i’d give my whole world to. right now, that person is my Lord. but of course, i can’t help but have you in mind as well.

i really want to tell you how much i love everything about you. the way you smirk when you’re plotting something evil against me, that dimple on your cheek when you smile as i say hello, the way your eyes twinkle when we talk, the way you make me laugh when i’m depressed, the comfort you give when you know something’s wrong, the absolute honesty you give me, the trust you freely gave, the sweet notions you think i don’t appreciate but you don’t know how much they mean to me, the simple things that mean so much…i just love those.

 

 

at night, i’d smile to myself. sometimes i think i’m going nuts, but i know that i just have this reassurance that i will be with you someday. i know God has plans for my life, i do pray with all of my heart that He includes you in it. as young as i am, i know i shouldn’t be thinking of who i shall be marrying in the future, for the future is in God’s hands and He is in control of that, nevertheless…i’m looking forward to that day when i discover that you are the “one”. how hopeful i am in that aspect of my life.

how bizarre is that? a friend told me you admitted to her that you do like-like me. you said it’s complicated. well, i say it is full of twists and turns, but isn’t that what makes it all worth it? it’s going to be so exciting. i’m really looking forward to God’s love story for me. we’ll never know, He could be implementing it right now…

“i’ll be seeing you”

April 6, 2006

yeah. i admit being this sentimental crappy person and i’m so pathetic. pathetic in a sense that i listen to sentimental emo crap even though i know it will make me cry and i DO cry when listening to it. why do i do that? i don’t know. i just do. call me emo, call me pathetic. but whatever you wanna call me, i’d still do what i desire. i will still listen to those songs that remind me so much of my pain. the songs that give me hope, but as they do…i still can’t help but shed a tear because there will be melancholy and anguish despite that hope.

looking for hope includes pain. memories do that i guess. they invoke hope but at the same time they also invoke pain. how delectable.

here’s one of those sentimental emo crap songs i’ve been talking about. thanks nic for introducing a new favorite song. i’m still raving about this song, and i still cry everytime i hear it…

nico said it’s from The Notebook, haven’t had the chance to watch it yet…but i will.

“I’ll be seeing you” - Billie Holday/Isha

I’ll be seeing you

In all the old familiar places

That this heart of mine embraces

All day through

In that small café

That park across the way

The children’s carousel

The chestnut tree

The wishing well

I’ll be seeing you

In every lovely summer’s day

In everything that’s light and gay

I’ll always think of you that way

I’ll find you in the morning sun

And when the night is new

I’ll be looking at the moon

And I’ll be seeing you…

to all the people i love: i dedicate to you this song, and as i shed these hopeful tears, remember that they were shed for you and how i’ll never forget our memories…