tearstains on my pillow

“if i could only steal you from new zealand…” 

if only.
oh how i would give up the world just to have you in my arms right now. *sigh*
i think that was somehow from a song.. 
i’m just not sure. well anyway…
i can’t believe you made me cry again. why?! why the heck do you give me shivers down my spine and yet tears as well? how come i suffer this inevitable pain and yet… i still drown myself in you thoughts? pitiful as i am, i don’t want your sympathy. i don’t want your anxiety nor your condolences. instead, could i have a glimpse of your love? can i be the one on your mind?
perhaps i just deny it really.. dramatically, i prefer to abjure rather than accept the truth of you ever loving someone like me. why? for clandestine reasons! some might be to apparent, but wish to keep it hidden. i admit of my desire for your love and for you. it’s evident that you do too… so why hold back? it’s incomprehensible. i just don’t want you to know. and i don’t want you to get hurt again.
and why will you be hurt? there’s this vague veracity deep within you that i can’t really comprehend right now. and with that, i fear giving you agony with my departure. i know you don’t want me to go, but you don’t exhibit that feeling. that yearning deep within you that longs for me to stay…
 

i’d love to stay. i’d want to have a life that includes you… but if it ain’t His will, then i wouldn’t want to contradict. i’m really longing to be with you. you can’t picture how much i want to… but do i need to? do i really have to be with you? i don’t want to leave you! can’t you see that? i don’t want to hurt you with my endeavor… things will have to change between us. some would be for the better, but i have this intuition that things will change for the worse. i apologize now palang if i would ever make you cry… i don’t intend to. i definitely don’t want to see tears stream down your cheek because of me. distance is difficult… but i do hope our friendship prevails. just let me cry. i feel anguish when i think of the sad adjustments i’d have to make. without my friends, without church… without you…
nevertheless, i know for a fact that i will come back… and if the Lord finds favor in us..
will you wait for me till then?