tearstains on my pillow

March 23, 2006

“if i could only steal you from new zealand…” 

if only.
oh how i would give up the world just to have you in my arms right now. *sigh*
i think that was somehow from a song.. 
i’m just not sure. well anyway…
i can’t believe you made me cry again. why?! why the heck do you give me shivers down my spine and yet tears as well? how come i suffer this inevitable pain and yet… i still drown myself in you thoughts? pitiful as i am, i don’t want your sympathy. i don’t want your anxiety nor your condolences. instead, could i have a glimpse of your love? can i be the one on your mind?
perhaps i just deny it really.. dramatically, i prefer to abjure rather than accept the truth of you ever loving someone like me. why? for clandestine reasons! some might be to apparent, but wish to keep it hidden. i admit of my desire for your love and for you. it’s evident that you do too… so why hold back? it’s incomprehensible. i just don’t want you to know. and i don’t want you to get hurt again.
and why will you be hurt? there’s this vague veracity deep within you that i can’t really comprehend right now. and with that, i fear giving you agony with my departure. i know you don’t want me to go, but you don’t exhibit that feeling. that yearning deep within you that longs for me to stay…
 

i’d love to stay. i’d want to have a life that includes you… but if it ain’t His will, then i wouldn’t want to contradict. i’m really longing to be with you. you can’t picture how much i want to… but do i need to? do i really have to be with you? i don’t want to leave you! can’t you see that? i don’t want to hurt you with my endeavor… things will have to change between us. some would be for the better, but i have this intuition that things will change for the worse. i apologize now palang if i would ever make you cry… i don’t intend to. i definitely don’t want to see tears stream down your cheek because of me. distance is difficult… but i do hope our friendship prevails. just let me cry. i feel anguish when i think of the sad adjustments i’d have to make. without my friends, without church… without you…
nevertheless, i know for a fact that i will come back… and if the Lord finds favor in us..
will you wait for me till then?

genuine hope

March 12, 2006

there’s actually hope. i feel so glad now despite all the sadness enveloping me as i think of going away. but there’s hope. i promised michypie i wouldn’t tell you that i knew about the things you said the other night. i can’t help but smile that you also hope and that you won’t really open your heart for someone else.

even though we don’t admit it, how ironic it is that you have the same intuition as mine. :b it gives me great pleasure to be aware of your thoughts…though you have no idea that i do. i laugh at myself for ever doubting God. He has given me too much…so why the heck do i hesitate and distrust?

i’m delighted you made areservation to not have girlfriend until you have a stable job… but will i be too late? when i come back…will you have another? those suspicions just show my disbelief in God. how foolish of me to think that. pardon me for being too bold, but i can declare that my skepticism is just too possible. though i dare not wish for it to be true, how can it not when i am distant from that who dare not wish to love another?

 

 

 i cannot fathom this dread that surrounds me heart. do you not see how much uncertainty the situation has caused upon me? upon us? though strange as it may seem…amidst all the turmoil in this world, i still see a spark of hope for us. if you would just believe in your heart that i would come back. i will come back. then maybe, if the Lord finds favor in us… He would bless our relationship.

 phooey, if there really is a relationship to begin with. haha. how paradoxical. i dare not venture into your thoughts no more for it bewilders my mind… so as to wonder my heart as well? i know not how to explain further. it’s just incongruous. but i am ecstatic. bizarrely on cloud nine thanks to you, your clandestine notions and optimism. ;’)

“Be Here To Love Me”

March 7, 2006

- Norah Jones -

Your eyes seek conclusion in all this confusion of mine
Though you and I both know it’s only the warm glow of wine
That’s got you to feeling this way, but I don’t care,
I want you to stay
and hold me and tell me you’ll be here to love me today

Children are dancin’, the gamblers are chancin’ their all
The window’s accusing the door of abusing the wall
But who cares what the night watchmen say
The stage has been set for the play
Hold me and tell me you’ll be here to love me today

The moon’s come and gone but a few stars hang on on to the sky
The wind’s runnin’ free but it ain’t up to me ask why
The poets are demanding their pay
They’ve left me with nothin’ to say
‘cept hold me and tell me you’ll be here to love me today
Just hold me and tell me that you’ll be here to love me today