gut feeling

my parents are planning to go to new zealand and i feel so poignant about leaving this place… i don’t want to.. i don’t desire to depart the place where i feel so contented and calm. the thought of it is just so depressing.

my heart objects from this proposal. longer that i become attached to you, the harder it is for me to let go when the times comes for me to leave. the burning and excruciating agony is just unthinkable. i would not want to seaprate myself from you. not just you, but also my true friends. i have found them, God has given them to me, and then what would transpire? this. me being cut off from them. i do not wish to think that i am to be disconnected from them since there shall be chats, phone calls and wishful thinking.

why is it that whenever i find a sincere friend, they are taken away from me? its such a nuisance - that was the first thought in my head…but as i contemplated, God didn’t want me to undergo such anguish. to lose someone so dear? He never intended to cause me grief for that loss. old friends will still be a part of me, they will always will be. and the new buddies i come across? the ones i have now are just da bomb. they will be uber permanent in my heart, never to be replaced. no one can take the place of you. Debz, Rebeks, JC and all of my friends at church - i will by no means fail to remember you and the times we have had and will have in the future. i look forward to more memories i wish not to disregard - i know for a fact that i won’t.

i have a certain gut feeling. that heartending intuition one obtains when one discerns something is amiss. perhaps it is wrong to have this emotion… it’s just so implausible! i never suspected migrating to somewhere as far-flung as new zeland… knowing i’d be ripped from your world. i’d be plucked out from your life just like that. it’s discouraging. i can comprehend the fact of me probably not taking up college here or what not, but what i can’t grasp is the thought of me leaving.

 
leaving my life, my true friends. leaving you.

i don’t want to. though there is a great possibility of me doing so, i would never intend to do so. right now, everything hasn’t been approved yet. we’re still waiting for God’s answer..moreso, my parents are still going through some stages before anything happens with the plan.

there’s a very big change though. gargantuan if you ask my dad. he desires to leave this place as soon as possible. i understand, he wants the best for us, and for him, the Philippines doesn’t have much hope…and he’s right. only God really knows what will happen to our beloved country.

i see myself incomplete and forlorn. what would happen to us if we part? “absence makes the heart grow fonder?” whatever…i’d cry the ocean before i could leave you. buckets of tears shall be poured out until i can cry no more. without you? i will miss you and our moments. much much more than ou could ever imagine. if we meant to be together, nothing - not even new zealand - could tear us apart. God would have a way for us to be together again. but if we’re not…i’m really glad i met someone like you.

would you ever know the truth here in my poor desolate futile heart? i wouldn’t want to tell you…

“dont go…”

i want to hear these words from you…yet i don’t want to. not right now. i desire your heart to utter these bitter words…so i wouldn’t have to.