to someone who’ll never know…

Dear Boy,
   Why do you need to look at me back? Just…please…don’t. Ignore me. I hate to assume. Do you know how much I want to forget you so bad? When you look back at my stolen glances, the flames start to grow again. All you do is make me pretend that you notice me but I know for a fact that you don’t.

   I keep on assuming. I keep on hoping, dreaming, and going up again. Then I fall down, hurting myself again. The process keeps going on and on. I’m so tired of this hulabaloo. You hurt me even if it’s not your fault. You hurt me with you not having the slightest idea.

   Why in the world could you not look away, when all you have to do is think that I’m nobody. Let me serve God without pocketing some stupid personal motive. Maybe it’s my part. I will not let our eyes meet. Don’t let our eyes meet. Napapaasa ako. I know I should be the one avoiding, so starting now, I’m not going to look. I hate this staring game. All I want you to be is my oh-so-pretty ideal guy, far, far away, not noticing that discrete admirer in the shadows. DON’T RUIN IT! Just be happy and let God be the center of your life. Yaknowat? I’m praying for you. Have you been complacent lately? Because I’m really noticing that you do. But what does me have to do with your life. I don’t even know what’s going on. Ok. Maybe I’ll just pray for you. I’ll pray whoever my God’s Best is….

Love,
Girl

a bittersweet daydream.

i was on the beach…

 it was around midnight and everyone was asleep…or so she thought. she snook out of the house and went to the docks to silently cry by herself and ponder on some thoughts that have been lingering in her mind. teardrops fell on her cheeks as she

thought of that day she’ll leave the people she loves so dearly…

she wept some more while gazing at the rustic full moon and magnificently clear skies. an evanescent reflection showing with this blurry tear-stained eyes of mine…

then suddenly, footsteps were amiss.

and she saw you.. walking towards the weeping, broken lady.. you gazed up at the beautiful sky and she saw a tear run down your cheek.. speaking the words “don’t go” as you went closer to where she was crying… you looked deep into her bittersweet eyes…

and they were locked in love’s eternally warm embrace…never to be torn apart.

pissed.

i feel so pissed right now. this isn’t my usual mushy posts - i’m sorry. i just feel so damn pissed for all the hard work being depleted in this stupid computer! why the heck did i have to press that stupid damn button!!!!!

what a valentine’s day. a great day ruined by my self centeredness once more. if i had just saved it, none of the negative aura would have ever come. damn. i actually loved this day despite the projects i had to do, even though i didn’t have a valentine (who needs one when we have God?), even though our dance was uber successful, even though i got to talk to you when i was bored when i was procrastinating… despite all the good blessings i got today, HOW COME I FEEL SO DAMN PISSED?!

*sigh* i need to relax. somehow, i felt so relax this morning. when we talked and i cried…you made me smile and laugh again. i need that. where are you now?

what would happen if i need your comfort and you’re not in my reach anymore? i can’t bare that thought.

please don’t let me go…

if only…

(i had to retype everything… it was erased and i feel so pissed and sad now.. ;’c damn.damn.damn. i can’t remember the awesome things i typed moments ago.. and i don’t feel like typing it all again. i apologize. i know i shouldn’t have said that but i’m just so pissed. why>??!?!?!? ) 

i see you running far off.. trodding away or coming near? i can’t forget the time we almost held hands.. almost. what a word. it was peculiarly odd…it was just our normal “apir” moment but for a second there…i saw a twinkle in your eye. haha am i hallucinating or what?

 –this was more than a week ago.. and now, valentine’s day.. i still find it hard remove this thought in my head…

valentine’s day was never that important to me - and it still isn’t..that much. but..for some reason, i guess this was a different day. we finally have a weird memory of february 14 hehe

its outrageous. i heard the words i never actually wanted to hear from you… not now. i knew, from a friend, you try not to think about it and yet i still keep reminding you, reminding myself of the time we have left. not much time, but - as the positive thinker that you are - sabi mo nga… “matagal pa naman yun.” i guess… so why… why did you have to say the words which induce so much sorrow? do you even know it causes me pain and joy all at the same time?

dont go…

i cried when you declared this to me… our usual midnight talk and i cried as you actually revealed this to me… never did i expect my dream to come true. it was actual and i couldn’t control my tear ducts. though i said it wasn’t your fault, it actually was. i couldn’t admit to you why i truly broke down.

i’m sorry i lied. i lied when i said i just remembered my friends who left abroad in the past. it was half truth. i cried because of what you said. when you uttered those words, i felt the care. the pain and the love that goes with it. i never wanted you to get hurt. but  i was the only one sobbing, the only one still lamenting on that melancholic thought. it makes me not want to leave anymore…my desire to stay and never leave you.

DAMN. IM SO PISSED I CAN’T TYPE ANY DAMN GOOD THING RIGHT NOW. IT WAS ALL SO WONDERFUL. SO WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE DELETED?????! WHY!!!!!

CAN ANYONE TELL ME HOW TO RECOVER POSTS PLEASE?

I NEED MY POST BACK :’C im begging… i need it. i worked so hard for it.

i’m sorry…

is my love for you going to be like my post?

i sure hope not.

gut feeling

my parents are planning to go to new zealand and i feel so poignant about leaving this place… i don’t want to.. i don’t desire to depart the place where i feel so contented and calm. the thought of it is just so depressing.

my heart objects from this proposal. longer that i become attached to you, the harder it is for me to let go when the times comes for me to leave. the burning and excruciating agony is just unthinkable. i would not want to seaprate myself from you. not just you, but also my true friends. i have found them, God has given them to me, and then what would transpire? this. me being cut off from them. i do not wish to think that i am to be disconnected from them since there shall be chats, phone calls and wishful thinking.

why is it that whenever i find a sincere friend, they are taken away from me? its such a nuisance - that was the first thought in my head…but as i contemplated, God didn’t want me to undergo such anguish. to lose someone so dear? He never intended to cause me grief for that loss. old friends will still be a part of me, they will always will be. and the new buddies i come across? the ones i have now are just da bomb. they will be uber permanent in my heart, never to be replaced. no one can take the place of you. Debz, Rebeks, JC and all of my friends at church - i will by no means fail to remember you and the times we have had and will have in the future. i look forward to more memories i wish not to disregard - i know for a fact that i won’t.

i have a certain gut feeling. that heartending intuition one obtains when one discerns something is amiss. perhaps it is wrong to have this emotion… it’s just so implausible! i never suspected migrating to somewhere as far-flung as new zeland… knowing i’d be ripped from your world. i’d be plucked out from your life just like that. it’s discouraging. i can comprehend the fact of me probably not taking up college here or what not, but what i can’t grasp is the thought of me leaving.

 
leaving my life, my true friends. leaving you.

i don’t want to. though there is a great possibility of me doing so, i would never intend to do so. right now, everything hasn’t been approved yet. we’re still waiting for God’s answer..moreso, my parents are still going through some stages before anything happens with the plan.

there’s a very big change though. gargantuan if you ask my dad. he desires to leave this place as soon as possible. i understand, he wants the best for us, and for him, the Philippines doesn’t have much hope…and he’s right. only God really knows what will happen to our beloved country.

i see myself incomplete and forlorn. what would happen to us if we part? “absence makes the heart grow fonder?” whatever…i’d cry the ocean before i could leave you. buckets of tears shall be poured out until i can cry no more. without you? i will miss you and our moments. much much more than ou could ever imagine. if we meant to be together, nothing - not even new zealand - could tear us apart. God would have a way for us to be together again. but if we’re not…i’m really glad i met someone like you.

would you ever know the truth here in my poor desolate futile heart? i wouldn’t want to tell you…

“dont go…”

i want to hear these words from you…yet i don’t want to. not right now. i desire your heart to utter these bitter words…so i wouldn’t have to.

someday…

how true is this?
i’ll find you..
you’ll find me.. 
soon…
but not right now..
it will all be too bitter..
and yet..
somehow sweet..
full of bliss..
what can i do?
what can i be?
tell me now..
tell me how..
i can stop myself
how i can be at peace..
how can i?
when my world is crumbling..
when all i see is your face..
that tear in my eye..
i feel..
my heart breaking..
knowing..
we will soon be apart..
no time to heal..
too much pain..
to much aching..
i’ve stabbed my heart..
to see if i still bleed..
to see if i died again..
could this be right?
have i had enough?
i got what i need..
i don’t have to fight..
i shan’t be too rough..
i dont have to hurt..
not anymore..
now that you’re here..
what are tears for?
no more sorrow..
no more grief..
only our tomorrow..
only our relief..
i want to be..
with the one..
who’s suppose to be mine..
i want to see..
the one God planned..
for me to have in time.