MOVED.

…

such a heavy heart

I’ve been having such a heavy heart lately. It’s odd. Somehow, I have no reason to feel such bizarre feelings. I couldn’t fathom these tears I was shedding, I couldn’t understand why the hell I could be so emotional. Then, I prayed. It’s amazing how prayer can change so much of the confusion.

Once she felt so baffled by things she didn’t dare be burdened with. Emotions so caught up in what could be rather than what will be. Reasons still not found, she never risked breaking down into his arms and just pushing away all that she has been saving for. But yes - she did break down; not to him though. To a much higher Being. For some reason, the simple things that would have meant so much to both of them were being held back by her. She never desired for that to happen; she just felt she needed to. Perhaps there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s just gunna hurt a whole damn much.

It’s been her promise ever since, it’s just hasn’t been done. It was always forgotten on those times she became so vulnerable. Never will she forget any longer. Though she yearns for that warmth of your embrace, that sweet gesture of comfort and care, the soothing (shall i say sexy? lol) aroma of your voice, and that unexplainable yet so tender feeling they both clandestinely feel… she will detach herself despite the fact that she’s so drawn to you.

“Absence makes the heart grow fonder.” Ahh. How I always keep that in mind and heart. That is, if that love is true. Maybe this is a test. A really heartrending test. It’s not totally disconnecting not enstrangement; somewhat breaking free and just putting things where they should really be. I don’t want to do something that I’ll regret later on - no matter how good they feel. I just want the best for you. You may not know it, but I really want your focus to be on God and not on me. Just pray. I don’t want us to drift apart, on the contrary, we might even be closer - in the right sense. Although I might sound like I’m just circling on the topic, I feel I just want to let it all out ya know.

Im tough, but I’m not that resilient when it comes to these things. I will get through this. Oh God, help me.

a new perspective

I’m not making a stand. One that, I swear to God, never to step away from; a promise I shan’t ever break. As it says in Song of Songs 8:4, “I want you to promise not to awaken love until the time is right.” - I shall do exactly what that says. I’ll focus on Him and Him alone. By redeeming my time, by focusing on doing everything for Him, I can direct my thoughts on what is important for teenagers like myself.

Somehow, I can forsee this being a difficult promise. One that I might slip away from, if I don’t stipulate on doing something as unlikely as such. I know that with the Lord guiding me, I will be able to do so.

I’ll save myself, my whole self, for my future husband. I don’t know who he is right now; neither do you - nor anyone on this earth (if you’re a teemager like me.) So, right now, I have a new perspective. “Just friends.” I’ll be treating everyone equally, sister and brother in Christ. No “particular friendship” as of the moment. I’ll really try to remove that from my system. But if that thought comes to my head once more - the thought of having a relationship or something similar to that - I’ll pray. Pray that I would pur God first and His plan for me. I yearn to be the Best for someone; I know God is molding some else too. Whoever he might be, wherever; God is telling me to start now.

“A Woman’s Question”

by Lena Lathrop

(from “I Kissed Dating Goodbye”)

Do you know you have asked for the costliest thing
Ever made by the Hand above?
A woman’s heart, and a woman’s life -
And a woman’s wonderful love.

Do you know you have asked for this priceless thing
As a child might ask for a toy?
Demanding what other have died to win,
With the reckless dash of a boy.

You have written my lesson of duty out,
Manlike, you have questioned me.
Now stand at the bars of my woman’s soul
Until I shall question thee.
You require your mutton shall always be hot,
Your socks and your shirt be whole;
I require your heart be true as God’s stars
And as pure as His heaven your soul.

You require a cook for your mutton and beef,
I require a far greater thing;
A seamstress you’re wanting for socks and shirts -
I look for a man and king.

A king for the beautiful realm called Home,
And a man that his Maker, God,
Shall look upon as He did on his first
And say, “It is very good.”

I am fair and young, but the rose may fade
From this soft young cheek one day;
Will you love me then ‘mid the falling leaves,
As you did ‘mong the blossoms of May?

Is your heart an ocean so strong and true,
I may launch my all on its tide?
A loving woman finds heaven or hell
On the day she is made a bride.

I require all things that are grand and true,
All things that a man should be;
If you give this all, I would stake my life
To be all you demand of me.

If you cannot be this, a laundress and cook
You can hire and little to pay;
But a woman’s heart and a woman’s life
Are not to be won that way.

“To girls: I pray this poem serves as a reminder to keep your standards high. Require all things that are ‘grand and true’. As you consider the possiblity of marraige, don’t lower your standards for a moment; any guy who asks you to do so isn’t worth your time. To guys: My hope is that you would truly grasp the costliness, the pricelessness, of a woman’s love. It is no small thing, no game, to invite a girl to accompany you trhough life. May you earn the right to make such a request by striving to be men of integrity - men whose hearts are oceans ’strong and true’. Then, and only then, should you stand at the bars of a woman’s soul and ask to gain entrance.”

glitter accident in the sky

A shooting star. It’s not a sight you get to see everyday, especially when you live the citylife. I got to see one when I went to the docks with two of my friends during our last night in the beach. Even if it flew across the star-scattered sky for just a split second, I saw it, but I didn’t feel happy; I guess, I felt alone.

My two friends were there with me, but I kept my distance from them (they were too sweet to disturb aghem). And I would hear them giggle and whisper about the star that went and passed. That made me feel more alone, or at least I just wanted someone, frankly, a man beside me. I wanted to see a face, a smiling face beside me, instead of the couple near me. I wanted to feel the warmth of a man’s touch and presence, instead of the cold breeze that blew and chilled me. I wanted to hear a man’s voice of comfort, instead of the waves of the sea crashing on the rocks. I wanted to smell the aroma of him, instead of the salty stench of the water. I wanted a love that, if it loved me, i’d learn to love myself. And all I did there was wish and want, and those were nothing but words. How many times have I wished and yet never came true?

That shooting star, that rare sight for a girl like me who lives in the city, that just wasn’t for me. It wasn’t meant for me to enjoy, it wasn’t for me to wish upon, it wasn’t me who prayed for it. So I just prayed for my own. One that would come at the right moment when I’d be with someone special. Whenever that is, I’ll wait. No matter how rare these moments are, I’ll wait.

–by bebe.

daymn.

i feel so mean haha. mich slept over the other night and we talked to you till 4 in the morning (note: we had to wake up at 8 the next day). pretending to sleep, i faked doing that as to somewhat hear what you had to say with you thinking i never heard them. but yeah, i did.

you lied to me, but you did that to adhere from telling me the absolute truth that could cause such a comomtion. and i’m so glad you hindered from declaring to me that of which i would have wanted to here, but not at this moment. perhaps when we’re really certain of our feelings and commitment and priorities, you can tell me na. why can you not tell me now??? it’s confusing me too you know. i think it will be best if you don’t tell me on camp. oh wait, before anything else, i know that he knows that i know about some things he told some people. so, basically, we’re seemingly looking inconspicuous to each other when we’re truly not. hayy.

do we really have to hide it? do we really have to make our feelings clandestine from each other? i guess we do. we have to. although i know we both want to, we can’t eh. as sad as things can get, i’m hopeful. i’m somewhat really positive about what could  happen in the future…but though somehow scared. i’m scared because you said you were scared too. you said, “what if she finds someone better there?” but what if i don’t anymore? will you move on for something that would never really come? would you really get tired of waiting? i have a feeling that it’s possible to happen… *sigh*

but i don’t want it to! please.. don’t.

i’m still feeling fuzzy for the things you said that you thought i never heard. that dream of yours, the things you say concerning me and the weird stuff i dare not speak of when i’m with you.. the odd thing is, i talk about it to other people. rusmfusm!

somehow… i start to think that letting go and just holding back for now is a nice option. it’s an option. but everytime i begin talking about just distancing myself…i stop. it gets caught in my throat and i can’t go on… i just don’t want to. i know i can, but i won’t. i’m still praying about it… because we’re not doing anything wrong! being best friends is just what we are…we care for each other, but deep inside, we have hidden emotions. hidden. so what’s wrong with that? nothing.

right?

we seem so close, and yet i can’t open up thoughts concerning “us”. why do i even bother? i shouldn’t be fussing over things such as that. it will come in its own time. i don’t blame you nor i for caring too much for each other. i just pray that things will go, not according to my plan, but to God’s. i entrust to Him everything… honestly, things are just beginning to look…weird. weird in a way that it;s getting cheesy. you know what i mean. i don’t wanna reveal it yet, i want God to give the go signal first.. i don’t want to stray away from His will, i want to focus on Him first and not on the other “him.” it just seems so unlikely right now. not now. not when i’m being so fired up for the Lord. so passionate for Him. damn the devil! :p

i just have to keep under wraps the circumstances commencing as of the moment. i have to make it clear to you and to everybody that we’re really just best friends who care a lot.. somehow..

All for Love

  by HILLSONG

ALL FOR LOVE THE FATHER GAVE
FOR ONLY LOVE COULD MAKE A WAY
ALL FOR LOVE THE HEAVENS CRIED
FOR LOVE WAS CRUCIFIED

OH HOW MANY TIMES
HAVE I BROKEN YOUR HEART
BUT STILL YOU FORGIVE
IF ONLY I ASK

AND HOW MANY TIMES
HAVE YOU HEARD ME PRAY
DRAW ME NEAR TO YOU

EVERYTHING I NEED IS YOU
MY BEGINNING, MY FOREVER
EVERYTHING I NEED IS YOU

LET ME SING ALL FOR LOVE
I WILL JOIN THE ANGELS SONG
EVER HOLY IS THE LORD
KING OF GLORY, KING OF ALL

OH HOW MANY TIMES
HAVE I BROKEN YOUR HEART
BUT STILL YOU FORGIVE
IF ONLY I ASK

AND HOW MANY TIMES
HAVE YOU HEARD ME PRAY
DRAW ME NEAR TO YOU

EVERYTHING I NEED IS YOU
MY BEGINNING, MY FOREVER
EVERYTHING I NEED IS YOU

ALL FOR A LOVE, A SAVIOUR PRAYED
ABBA FATHER HAVE YOUR WAY
THOUGH THEY KNOW NOT WHAT THEY DO
LET THE CROSS DRAW MAN TO YOU

i just love this song.. i cried when i first heard this.. it proves Christ’s unconditional love for me.. remember that worship is an overflow of the heart. my heart just exploded with tears of joy. tears that caused me inner peace because i know that without Him, i am nothing. despite my multitude of sins, He still accepted me. He still forgives me. You died for me, a sinful, worthless me who never deserved to be saved. by Your blood i am made clean…why did You do that? You didn’t have to die for me or any sinner in this world! but You did…because You love us. all of us. i do pray that people would acknowledge You and Your Love more. i pray that they see the greatness of Your Love. everything that we need is You.. we don’t need anyone else, anything. You are enough. and we love You.

will you ever know?

don’t you know that things are so great between us? do you have any idea how happy i am when i’m with you? don’t you know that you’re the reason why i feel comforted? why i feel so cared for? do you know how much i yearn to care for you too? do you know how much i appreciate all those things you do for me? do you know that i notice those simple things? do you know how much i love it when you tease me? do you know how thankful i am for having you? do you know how much i love everything about you?

do you know how much i need you? do you know how much i cry for you? do you know that things won’t be the same without someone like you? do you know i’ll never find another you? do you know i’ll have to step away right now? do you know how much it hurts when i have to learn to let you go? do you know how much i don’t want to? do you know that i don’t want to do any of those to you? do you know how painful it is when my my dad said i’ll meet more guys in new zealand? do you know how much anguish he caused me? do you know much i appreciated that comfort you gave me? do you know that i’ll try to let you go but deep inside i really wont? do you know how much i can’t? do you know how scared i am for you? do you know that i don’t care about me because i’ve been dead long ago? do you know how God comforted me through you and Deb and Beks? do you know how much God has blessed me with because of you and them? do you know that He has a plan for both of us? do you know that i’m praying for you? do you ever think that way too?

never leave me…

dark as the moon that hangs lightly in you; aren’t we the only ones drunk on that night? can you remember the sound of my voice? you should know i hear yours; don’t ask why.. and it took me some time to find my way back to the porch that held all the promises that we should never have made; and i knew it was strange; seeing you standing there, like nothing was wrong and you knew i belong; that i picture you took long ago.. maybe you’re right and the way that the light it made perfectly still it can’t show..

how we’ve come so far and away from the feelings we knew would lead us here; anyway, so like those flowers i left i know we’d never change one single moment saved that i’ve always spent lying quietly; when i looked into your eyes and i said, “God only knows when i’ll see you again.. should have kepy you away there and then.. where i’d have you all to myself and i know that it’s selfish but i just can’t help if i believe.. we can’t get enough of what magic we made together so never doubt that so long as the moon still hangs nightly then you can be sure i’ll be waiting each night..” (aww.)

 i still remember that time and your voice won me over so don’t ask me why.. don’t ask why this matter’s enough coz the answers you want won’t be too hard to find, if you try looking back here at the porch that we left early morning..

so darling..

before that old moon says goodnight all too soon, you should sit here like we did that night.. ask me again and then that’s when i’ll tell you..

why i’ll never leave you again…

one chance.

i don’t know why, but recently… i’ve watched to movies that has something to do about friendship, death and love. one was Lilo and Stitch: Stitch has a glitch (yeah, pardon for being a kid at heart ) and the other one was If Only just a few moments ago.

i learned from that Lilo and Stitch movie that love is more powerful than death. Stitch short circuited and died. Lilo cried (i was teary eyed myself) but she still believed Stitch could live despite the circumstances…and he did! i don’t know how, but it happened. love can reallt do great things. (just like Christ’s love for us.) her love for Stitch was more powerful than death. their friendship still showed even until Stitch’s death. Stitch knew he was guna expire pretty soon, and he left because as he was dying, his glitches caused great damages to everyone. he sacrificed not being with Lilo even though he wanted to so badly…but he knew that leaving would be the better choice. he died, but he came back. the friendship prospered after the incident even more, and their bond is stronger than ever. it’s somewhat the same with my situation. i have to leave (but i won’t die. i don’t want to just yet! lol) but it’s for the sake of sacrificing my feelings for something long term. i know i’ll come back. i know you won’t stop believing and i know our friendship will prevail.

“the way you loved me vanished all the tears…” - a line from the ending song of jennifer love in the movie. a thought came to me after watching that.. when you have a moment to show your love for someone, don’t hesitate. don’t show reluctance for you might not have that moment ever again. a lost second might not happen again. it’s a chance you may never get for a second time.

a friend told me the reason daw why you’re afraid to tell me is because we seem to have such a perfect friendship and that you might ruin it if you do something such as admit your feelings… i can say from what i’ve watched and learned is that our friendship won’t be impaired if you spill your guts out. it will get somewhat intricate in a way, but isn’t that customary already? don’t relationships have their complicated moments? your coming clean to me about what you honestly feel isn’t really a predicament. it’s just that we’re both afraid of what’s gunna happen next. will it be something amiable? or will it be disagreeable?

i really don’t intend on dissipitating a chance. that chance that could be lost in the blink of an eye. our only chance to be something more than friends, and yet, in spite of everything, be bestfriends at the same time…

that same friend told me this schmaltzy, somewhat maudlin story of how she saw “us”. referring to and and this dude i care so much about. it goes something like:

i can see it now..
it was camp…
the sky was unusually clear.. with only the luminescent moon shining brightly contrasting the bleak sky… you were sitting outside the hall.. just the two of you.. remembering the past, laughing at the present and wondering about the years to come…he gets up and says, “it’s getting late, let me walk you back to your cottage. ”

you smile and get up, and you walk side by side.. laughing and talking along the way.. in the middle of the field, where it was dark and no one could see… he stops and stares at the moon..

“i’ll really miss you, kinky…” he goes…

“there’s something i’ve been itching to tell you…”

you come closer to him ask, “what is it?”

he faces you.. he looks into your eyes.. he holds you close..

“i love you…” he goes as he embraces you tightly, with tears rolling down from his eyes..

from behind you could hear the adults telling everyone that it’s time for lights off..

you wanna go but you can’t.
you just both cry silently in the middle of it all…
in each other’s arms..

can this ever happen to us? will it ever happen notwithstanding my departure? i need the memory of a warm embrace to keep me holding on, for me to keep on having faith and believing that it will happen, that we have our chance, against all odds, in His perfect timing and His will.

“One In This World”

I’ve been searching for
A heart that needs a heart like mine
I’ve been reaching for
A hand that understands
I’ve been waiting for
Someone that I can love
That loves me
Loves me for the one that I am

You’re the one
You’re the one in this world for me
You’re the one

how would i know if you’re “the one” God created for me? i know i can never be oh-so-certain. i am hoping though. it’s very probable for us to disclose the feelings we have towards each other. oh how i dream of that day to come, and yet, despite the fact that i yearn for it… how come i have this doubt? this brusque and distasteful skepticism deep within me?

i want to remove it from this system of mine. i want to, but i cant! i long to be with you… i really want you to be the one. i’m glad i found somebody like you.. though i have this uncertainty, i have faith in both of us. that we can survive this separation and that, in His time, we can finally be in each other’s arms…

in that song, i love that line when it said, “they say you’re the one in this world for me.. somebody to hold me when i’m lonely.. (and so on..)” why? because it’s true. my friends declare it, but i can’t help denying it. call me the denial queen, but i just don’t want to admit it. in my heart, i promised to reserve myself for that somebody who would hold me when i’m lonely, to that someone i’d give my whole world to. right now, that person is my Lord. but of course, i can’t help but have you in mind as well.

i really want to tell you how much i love everything about you. the way you smirk when you’re plotting something evil against me, that dimple on your cheek when you smile as i say hello, the way your eyes twinkle when we talk, the way you make me laugh when i’m depressed, the comfort you give when you know something’s wrong, the absolute honesty you give me, the trust you freely gave, the sweet notions you think i don’t appreciate but you don’t know how much they mean to me, the simple things that mean so much…i just love those.

at night, i’d smile to myself. sometimes i think i’m going nuts, but i know that i just have this reassurance that i will be with you someday. i know God has plans for my life, i do pray with all of my heart that He includes you in it. as young as i am, i know i shouldn’t be thinking of who i shall be marrying in the future, for the future is in God’s hands and He is in control of that, nevertheless…i’m looking forward to that day when i discover that you are the “one”. how hopeful i am in that aspect of my life.

how bizarre is that? a friend told me you admitted to her that you do like-like me. you said it’s complicated. well, i say it is full of twists and turns, but isn’t that what makes it all worth it? it’s going to be so exciting. i’m really looking forward to God’s love story for me. we’ll never know, He could be implementing it right now…

“i’ll be seeing you”

yeah. i admit being this sentimental crappy person and i’m so pathetic. pathetic in a sense that i listen to sentimental emo crap even though i know it will make me cry and i DO cry when listening to it. why do i do that? i don’t know. i just do. call me emo, call me pathetic. but whatever you wanna call me, i’d still do what i desire. i will still listen to those songs that remind me so much of my pain. the songs that give me hope, but as they do…i still can’t help but shed a tear because there will be melancholy and anguish despite that hope.

looking for hope includes pain. memories do that i guess. they invoke hope but at the same time they also invoke pain. how delectable.

here’s one of those sentimental emo crap songs i’ve been talking about. thanks nic for introducing a new favorite song. i’m still raving about this song, and i still cry everytime i hear it…

nico said it’s from The Notebook, haven’t had the chance to watch it yet…but i will.

“I’ll be seeing you” - Billie Holday/Isha

I’ll be seeing you

In all the old familiar places

That this heart of mine embraces

All day through

In that small café

That park across the way

The children’s carousel

The chestnut tree

The wishing well

I’ll be seeing you

In every lovely summer’s day

In everything that’s light and gay

I’ll always think of you that way

I’ll find you in the morning sun

And when the night is new

I’ll be looking at the moon

And I’ll be seeing you…

to all the people i love: i dedicate to you this song, and as i shed these hopeful tears, remember that they were shed for you and how i’ll never forget our memories…

tearstains on my pillow

“if i could only steal you from new zealand…” 

if only.
oh how i would give up the world just to have you in my arms right now. *sigh*
i think that was somehow from a song.. 
i’m just not sure. well anyway…
i can’t believe you made me cry again. why?! why the heck do you give me shivers down my spine and yet tears as well? how come i suffer this inevitable pain and yet… i still drown myself in you thoughts? pitiful as i am, i don’t want your sympathy. i don’t want your anxiety nor your condolences. instead, could i have a glimpse of your love? can i be the one on your mind?
perhaps i just deny it really.. dramatically, i prefer to abjure rather than accept the truth of you ever loving someone like me. why? for clandestine reasons! some might be to apparent, but wish to keep it hidden. i admit of my desire for your love and for you. it’s evident that you do too… so why hold back? it’s incomprehensible. i just don’t want you to know. and i don’t want you to get hurt again.
and why will you be hurt? there’s this vague veracity deep within you that i can’t really comprehend right now. and with that, i fear giving you agony with my departure. i know you don’t want me to go, but you don’t exhibit that feeling. that yearning deep within you that longs for me to stay…
 

i’d love to stay. i’d want to have a life that includes you… but if it ain’t His will, then i wouldn’t want to contradict. i’m really longing to be with you. you can’t picture how much i want to… but do i need to? do i really have to be with you? i don’t want to leave you! can’t you see that? i don’t want to hurt you with my endeavor… things will have to change between us. some would be for the better, but i have this intuition that things will change for the worse. i apologize now palang if i would ever make you cry… i don’t intend to. i definitely don’t want to see tears stream down your cheek because of me. distance is difficult… but i do hope our friendship prevails. just let me cry. i feel anguish when i think of the sad adjustments i’d have to make. without my friends, without church… without you…
nevertheless, i know for a fact that i will come back… and if the Lord finds favor in us..
will you wait for me till then?

genuine hope

there’s actually hope. i feel so glad now despite all the sadness enveloping me as i think of going away. but there’s hope. i promised michypie i wouldn’t tell you that i knew about the things you said the other night. i can’t help but smile that you also hope and that you won’t really open your heart for someone else.

even though we don’t admit it, how ironic it is that you have the same intuition as mine. :b it gives me great pleasure to be aware of your thoughts…though you have no idea that i do. i laugh at myself for ever doubting God. He has given me too much…so why the heck do i hesitate and distrust?

i’m delighted you made areservation to not have girlfriend until you have a stable job… but will i be too late? when i come back…will you have another? those suspicions just show my disbelief in God. how foolish of me to think that. pardon me for being too bold, but i can declare that my skepticism is just too possible. though i dare not wish for it to be true, how can it not when i am distant from that who dare not wish to love another?

 i cannot fathom this dread that surrounds me heart. do you not see how much uncertainty the situation has caused upon me? upon us? though strange as it may seem…amidst all the turmoil in this world, i still see a spark of hope for us. if you would just believe in your heart that i would come back. i will come back. then maybe, if the Lord finds favor in us… He would bless our relationship.

 phooey, if there really is a relationship to begin with. haha. how paradoxical. i dare not venture into your thoughts no more for it bewilders my mind… so as to wonder my heart as well? i know not how to explain further. it’s just incongruous. but i am ecstatic. bizarrely on cloud nine thanks to you, your clandestine notions and optimism. ;’)

“Be Here To Love Me”

- Norah Jones -

Your eyes seek conclusion in all this confusion of mine
Though you and I both know it’s only the warm glow of wine
That’s got you to feeling this way, but I don’t care,
I want you to stay
and hold me and tell me you’ll be here to love me today

The moon’s come and gone but a few stars hang on on to the sky
The wind’s runnin’ free but it ain’t up to me ask why
The poets are demanding their pay
They’ve left me with nothin’ to say
‘cept hold me and tell me you’ll be here to love me today
Just hold me and tell me that you’ll be here to love me today

to someone who’ll never know…

Dear Boy,
   Why do you need to look at me back? Just…please…don’t. Ignore me. I hate to assume. Do you know how much I want to forget you so bad? When you look back at my stolen glances, the flames start to grow again. All you do is make me pretend that you notice me but I know for a fact that you don’t.

   I keep on assuming. I keep on hoping, dreaming, and going up again. Then I fall down, hurting myself again. The process keeps going on and on. I’m so tired of this hulabaloo. You hurt me even if it’s not your fault. You hurt me with you not having the slightest idea.

   Why in the world could you not look away, when all you have to do is think that I’m nobody. Let me serve God without pocketing some stupid personal motive. Maybe it’s my part. I will not let our eyes meet. Don’t let our eyes meet. Napapaasa ako. I know I should be the one avoiding, so starting now, I’m not going to look. I hate this staring game. All I want you to be is my oh-so-pretty ideal guy, far, far away, not noticing that discrete admirer in the shadows. DON’T RUIN IT! Just be happy and let God be the center of your life. Yaknowat? I’m praying for you. Have you been complacent lately? Because I’m really noticing that you do. But what does me have to do with your life. I don’t even know what’s going on. Ok. Maybe I’ll just pray for you. I’ll pray whoever my God’s Best is….

Love,
Girl

a bittersweet daydream.

i was on the beach…

 it was around midnight and everyone was asleep…or so she thought. she snook out of the house and went to the docks to silently cry by herself and ponder on some thoughts that have been lingering in her mind. teardrops fell on her cheeks as she

thought of that day she’ll leave the people she loves so dearly…

she wept some more while gazing at the rustic full moon and magnificently clear skies. an evanescent reflection showing with this blurry tear-stained eyes of mine…

then suddenly, footsteps were amiss.

and she saw you.. walking towards the weeping, broken lady.. you gazed up at the beautiful sky and she saw a tear run down your cheek.. speaking the words “don’t go” as you went closer to where she was crying… you looked deep into her bittersweet eyes…

and they were locked in love’s eternally warm embrace…never to be torn apart.

pissed.

i feel so pissed right now. this isn’t my usual mushy posts - i’m sorry. i just feel so damn pissed for all the hard work being depleted in this stupid computer! why the heck did i have to press that stupid damn button!!!!!

what a valentine’s day. a great day ruined by my self centeredness once more. if i had just saved it, none of the negative aura would have ever come. damn. i actually loved this day despite the projects i had to do, even though i didn’t have a valentine (who needs one when we have God?), even though our dance was uber successful, even though i got to talk to you when i was bored when i was procrastinating… despite all the good blessings i got today, HOW COME I FEEL SO DAMN PISSED?!

*sigh* i need to relax. somehow, i felt so relax this morning. when we talked and i cried…you made me smile and laugh again. i need that. where are you now?

what would happen if i need your comfort and you’re not in my reach anymore? i can’t bare that thought.

please don’t let me go…

if only…

(i had to retype everything… it was erased and i feel so pissed and sad now.. ;’c damn.damn.damn. i can’t remember the awesome things i typed moments ago.. and i don’t feel like typing it all again. i apologize. i know i shouldn’t have said that but i’m just so pissed. why>??!?!?!? ) 

i see you running far off.. trodding away or coming near? i can’t forget the time we almost held hands.. almost. what a word. it was peculiarly odd…it was just our normal “apir” moment but for a second there…i saw a twinkle in your eye. haha am i hallucinating or what?

 –this was more than a week ago.. and now, valentine’s day.. i still find it hard remove this thought in my head…

valentine’s day was never that important to me - and it still isn’t..that much. but..for some reason, i guess this was a different day. we finally have a weird memory of february 14 hehe

its outrageous. i heard the words i never actually wanted to hear from you… not now. i knew, from a friend, you try not to think about it and yet i still keep reminding you, reminding myself of the time we have left. not much time, but - as the positive thinker that you are - sabi mo nga… “matagal pa naman yun.” i guess… so why… why did you have to say the words which induce so much sorrow? do you even know it causes me pain and joy all at the same time?

dont go…

i cried when you declared this to me… our usual midnight talk and i cried as you actually revealed this to me… never did i expect my dream to come true. it was actual and i couldn’t control my tear ducts. though i said it wasn’t your fault, it actually was. i couldn’t admit to you why i truly broke down.

i’m sorry i lied. i lied when i said i just remembered my friends who left abroad in the past. it was half truth. i cried because of what you said. when you uttered those words, i felt the care. the pain and the love that goes with it. i never wanted you to get hurt. but  i was the only one sobbing, the only one still lamenting on that melancholic thought. it makes me not want to leave anymore…my desire to stay and never leave you.

DAMN. IM SO PISSED I CAN’T TYPE ANY DAMN GOOD THING RIGHT NOW. IT WAS ALL SO WONDERFUL. SO WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE DELETED?????! WHY!!!!!

CAN ANYONE TELL ME HOW TO RECOVER POSTS PLEASE?

I NEED MY POST BACK :’C im begging… i need it. i worked so hard for it.

i’m sorry…

is my love for you going to be like my post?

i sure hope not.

gut feeling

my parents are planning to go to new zealand and i feel so poignant about leaving this place… i don’t want to.. i don’t desire to depart the place where i feel so contented and calm. the thought of it is just so depressing.

my heart objects from this proposal. longer that i become attached to you, the harder it is for me to let go when the times comes for me to leave. the burning and excruciating agony is just unthinkable. i would not want to seaprate myself from you. not just you, but also my true friends. i have found them, God has given them to me, and then what would transpire? this. me being cut off from them. i do not wish to think that i am to be disconnected from them since there shall be chats, phone calls and wishful thinking.

why is it that whenever i find a sincere friend, they are taken away from me? its such a nuisance - that was the first thought in my head…but as i contemplated, God didn’t want me to undergo such anguish. to lose someone so dear? He never intended to cause me grief for that loss. old friends will still be a part of me, they will always will be. and the new buddies i come across? the ones i have now are just da bomb. they will be uber permanent in my heart, never to be replaced. no one can take the place of you. Debz, Rebeks, JC and all of my friends at church - i will by no means fail to remember you and the times we have had and will have in the future. i look forward to more memories i wish not to disregard - i know for a fact that i won’t.

i have a certain gut feeling. that heartending intuition one obtains when one discerns something is amiss. perhaps it is wrong to have this emotion… it’s just so implausible! i never suspected migrating to somewhere as far-flung as new zeland… knowing i’d be ripped from your world. i’d be plucked out from your life just like that. it’s discouraging. i can comprehend the fact of me probably not taking up college here or what not, but what i can’t grasp is the thought of me leaving.

 
leaving my life, my true friends. leaving you.

i don’t want to. though there is a great possibility of me doing so, i would never intend to do so. right now, everything hasn’t been approved yet. we’re still waiting for God’s answer..moreso, my parents are still going through some stages before anything happens with the plan.

there’s a very big change though. gargantuan if you ask my dad. he desires to leave this place as soon as possible. i understand, he wants the best for us, and for him, the Philippines doesn’t have much hope…and he’s right. only God really knows what will happen to our beloved country.

i see myself incomplete and forlorn. what would happen to us if we part? “absence makes the heart grow fonder?” whatever…i’d cry the ocean before i could leave you. buckets of tears shall be poured out until i can cry no more. without you? i will miss you and our moments. much much more than ou could ever imagine. if we meant to be together, nothing - not even new zealand - could tear us apart. God would have a way for us to be together again. but if we’re not…i’m really glad i met someone like you.

would you ever know the truth here in my poor desolate futile heart? i wouldn’t want to tell you…

“dont go…”

i want to hear these words from you…yet i don’t want to. not right now. i desire your heart to utter these bitter words…so i wouldn’t have to.